Unhappiness

The past few weeks, she has been unable to get herself out of the depression she feels herself falling into. Unlike years ago, it is only a slight depression, but she is finding it hard to pull herself out of it. She has been very quiet, more than usual, hardly talking to anyone. There feels to be a distance between Master and herself, but she thinks this may be because of how she is. Not wanting to do anything for too long. Longing for a hug, a soft voice, a small praise, something, anything to help her be more like herself.

How can she have the hugs, praise and such, if she is not doing anything to be pleasing about? It took all she had to get one to study today. It was only for about thirty minutes to an hour, but she really struggled to keep focused and concentrate on what she was supposed to be doing.

She feels she has no drive, no get up and go. Feeling very lethargic and fights her tears most of the time, not wanting to feel this way, not wanting to worry anyone. So she just stays quiet and goes into a world of her own.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Really not sure what is going on with her, as she just don't feel like doing anything. Maybe the weather is not helping as it has not stopped raining all day and doesn't look like stopping anytime soon. She feels herself cringe often when the *c* command is said,making her feel dirty and used, though also feeling like it is her duty to do so, sometimes forcing herself to do what has been commanded.
Must admit, though rare, she has been faking at times, as she wishes not to displease her Master. Now this said, she probably has displeased him, owning up to this fact of lying. Keeping things from him is not what she wants to do, she only wants to please and all she is doing is the total opposite.
Studying is the last thing from her mind, she really has not got the patience, concentration span or quietness she needs to do such, so she gave up studying ages ago. Another thing she expects Master to have a go at her for. If he doesn't then she knows that he is not really interested in what she does or doesn't do, and will make her think just what we have got together. When study is mentioned she automatically thinks of Gorean study, though maybe, as she thinks about it, it may mean other studies. Oh how I wish Master was more specific in what he wants, desires. Why does it have to be full of guessing games, or me having to ask stupid questions, which he may think I should already know. Well, sorry to say, I have many untold talents, but mind reading is not one of them, and never will be.
I am sure there is more I couldput here,but to be honest,i have lost concentration, so will close here.

Twenty-Four Hours

It has been over 24 hours since one has heard from her Master. He went to lay down about this time yesterday, as he was suffering with a headache, which was turning into a migraine. One knows all too well how a bad migraine can be. It is unlike Master not to send a message, even if only a short one saying he is still not well, but she has heard nothing from him and and is worried.

Rain On Me

As one looks out of the window on a dull, grey and mirky afternoon, watching the wet crystal droplets racing down the clear glass pane, she inhales deeply allowing a long sigh escape as she thinks about how much she misses her Master. Yearning to be in his strong arms, to feel his touch, inhale his scent and feel his love in a more personal way. His soft,yet masculine voice making her melt into submission, his gentle eyes making her heart pound with love and wanton to be pleasing to such a true, honest, caring, loving Master such as he.
The internet is good for the first *getting to know* stages but after that she craves for more. Feeling a little lost unable to see him, hear him, touch him.
As she looks out of the water covered window, her heart and mind craving for more of the *reality* she wonders if the rain will ever stop, will the sun shine, will her heart be bright and burn with desire once again.

Killing with Kindness

Getting rather frustrated having not being able to focus on the more important things, having to try and sort out this headache which one has had for over a week now. It makes one feel like not doing anything as she is using all her energy on fighting off the pain.
She really feels she needs to begin focussing again on the more important things and not just her. Master is so understanding and patient with her. When others would have been rather agressive with her, Master has not used His position in an abrupt or demanding manor, though he is in his rights to.
Often she wonders just how much patience her Master has, as she would have been pounced on more than one occassion, for her behaviour or mannerisms (lack of), in the past. She is unsure how much of this *kill them with kindness* manner, in which he uses, she can take.

Battling On

A week suffering with a headache is no fun at al. It gets one down and makes her feel lethargic, with no energy or get up and go. Her get up and go, got up and went for a whole week. No matter what she tried to do, from taking a long hot bubble bath to going for a walk, sitting in the garden or jst closing ones eyes. Nothing seems to be working, not even painkillers, though did dull the pain, the ache remained.
This has left one feeling withdrawn, distant and in a way, useless towards her Master. When she supposed to be concentrating on her Masters, what He wants, He needs, all she has been able to do is concentrate on sorting out her headaches. They are not as strong as they were at the beginning of the week, though they do continue to bug her, letting her know the ache/problem is still there.
She is thinking if she is no better by Monday, a visit to the docotr may be needed, considering the problem she had a few years back. Thinking there is nothing serious to worry about, she feels it is better safe than sorry.
Her studies have become none existant, as well as everything else. Her concentration span for serious topics are is not as it supposed to be. If this carries on much longer, she knows it will begin to annoy her Master and make Him feelshe cares not, which is far from the truth.

Frustration

Feeling rather frustrated, suffering a very bad headache/migraine for the past few days. This morning she thought it had gone as there was only a dull ache, though this afternoon as proved her wrong as it seems it has come bad with avengence. Feeling this way makes one not want to do much else than to try and relax and try all one can to get rid of the pain.
She feels as if she is useless and unable to look after her Master/ be there for Him as much as she supposed to be. The last few days have been fairly quiet between us, with only light conversation (mainly about the games we both play and His work). One understands that her Master is probably trying to give her the space and time she needs to feel better in health, though she cannot help but feel slightly distant because of it. She also knows, deep down that this is only a temporary feeling and knows that our bond grows stronger each day.

Migraine From Hell

Have been suffering from a migraine for more than five hours now and unable to seep it off at the moment. This sucks not having a room of her own she can go to when she is in very bad pain. After taken 1600 milligrams of Iboprofen, the pain is still kicking her butt. With the lights on, the television loud, people shouting over the television instead of turning the darn thing down, there is no way I can even begin to try and get rid of this pain.

Stuck Indoors

Fed up of being stuck indoors, but with the weather being very wet and dismal, one has really no choice. She was going to go to the local college for the open day to find out more about what courses would be on offer for her, but with it raining all day, she is not prepared to venture out and get wet, taking a chance of becoming ill. It has always been driven into her that health comes first above or else, so she stays indoors and wonders what to do to broaden her mind and learn at least one thing today. If one does not learn at least one thing per day then it is a day very much wasted.

Monday, 6th July 2009

It was so nice to get out of the house for a couple of hours this morning. No computer, no phone, no family around, just tora. It is very seldom these days that she is able to have any kind of alone time while she is at home. This only happens when she goes out on her walks, but still she has no privacy, no room of her own to go to if/when she needs some space, some time just for her. Will she ever get that chance, that privacy back? Only time shall tell.
When she returned home, she briefly spoke to Master, before he went to lay down due to a headache. She really prays he is feeling much better.
As her brother had the computer, this one decided to have a nice, warm, relaxing soak in the bath, washing away any negativity plus it is the only room with a lock on so she can have some privacy, just to sit, be still and clear her mind, meditate, something she has not been able to do for a while. It was the best hour she has spent on her own for a long while.Not thinking about anything, clearing her mind and going to her secret place where no one, not even Master can go to.
After her bath she found that her brother had left the laptop for her, so she checked her e-mails, which she has not done for about three days now...oopsy. She had received one particular email which, while reading, made a tear appear in her eyes. This is has never happened before, not from emails...weird. It was a very meaningful story about a girl's dog dying and going to Heaven, she wrote a letter to God and received a reply. Very touching indeed.

Saturday, 4th July 2009

Feeling a little more comfortable playing AE now that Master has given her another list of what to build and look out for, as well as making a few notes. YoVille and Farm Town are really looking good on both of tora's account and so are Masters. This one is very happy to learn that Master wishes to join in with things that this one enjoys, so He can learn more about her.
She also is happy to know that she is pleasing her Master more and more with each passing day. The more she tries and pleases Him,the more she craves to be with Him, in person.
She knows the past few days have been very tiring for Master, and that is just with this one, let alone with moving and working now. It has been a difficult week for us both for different reasons, and she knows she has been keeping her distance, ever since telling her hubby their relationship is over. She still receives messages from him often, trying to win this one back. Sorry buster, but she thinks it is ...erm...what is the saying....too little too late. Though she minds not in staying friends, she knows her future no longer belongs to him in any deep capacity.
Must remember to wish all her American friends/family a happy Indepence Day.

Quiet Day

Just a quiet day, trying to cool down from the heat. Shoulder is still hurting so been taking painkillers throughout the day.

A Good Day

The day has been good throughout, with the weather being sunny and warm, this one spent a vast amount of time out in the sunshine. This morning she went and took the dog over the park. Even though it was only 7am, it was rather warm, which made the walk rather enjoyable. With only one or two dog walkers over the very far side, it gave this one an opportunity to use the small amount of exercise aparatus, while taz ran around. After the short exercise, we continued on our walk round the park and this one threw the ball for taz, until she pulled something in her shoulder. The view was very picturesque as the sky was clear, she could see trees, fields and buildings for miles,which enlightened her heart.
After speaking with Master, this afternoon, she spent a good three hours outside in the garden, lay on her blanket,taz lay on the grass just a little distance away as we both enjoyed the sunshine and peace. Got too quiet so tora being tora put on her music....loud....lol. She danced a little until she got overheated, then lay back down in the shade, just enjoying the air, feeling the slight cool breeze through her hair, cooling her face and making her smile as it whistled through her earstuds...hehe.
Supposed to be having thundery showers for the next three days, and slightly cooler. Hope she can get out to go for her walks, as she really felt a change in her today. Also had a few words come to her, which she has taken note of. Maybe to use in a poem or story.
In a little pain tonight, with her shoulder and wrist, but have taken some painkillers so should be okay....lol. No pain no gain and she not called a pain slut for nothing....hehe.