A lot has been going on in my life the past few weeks, some good some bad and some indifferent. I have been recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumour which I am on strong medication for and I am not reacting to well to them. After seein a specialist it has been arranged for major surgery to commence as soon as possible, within the next few weeks. I am very nervous and scared of this surgery and my findings of having cancer, though i try to find strength from my Master as well as from within myself.
It is a difficult time and so close to my birthday and christmas, i can only hope and pray i shall be on the recovery side sooner rather than later.
Have found out i have another sister, as Master has collared another since i have been away. Another i probably wont know much if anything about. It seems like we are all in boxes, being kept away from one another, having not much if any details about one another and unable to even talk to one another due to not having id's. I know my Master has his reasons, i just have to accept and just serve him as best as i can

Overstepped the Line

Overstepped the line today and showed the most disrespect to my Master,which i do not expect to be forgiven for, so this may be the last entry in this blog. I cannot right the wrong for what i did and was not called for. Frustration and anger set in and i did not hold my tongue as i supposed have done.
Things were spoken on both parts, which hurt one another. If i am to return to being on my own, so be it, i do not expect anything more. My heart is breaking, but i only have myself to blame.

Doing Okay

Doing okay, i guess.
Looking forward in Master getting his new computer, hopefully things can get back to normal then.

Update

Slowly beginning to get my sleeping pattern to some reasonable times and not having many nightmares,as of yet. I am hoping that the nightmares have finally quit after a few weeks of having them on a nightly basis, which were making me ill and unable to serve my Master to my best ability.
I love my Master so much and am very thankful that he has more patience with me than what i do for myself, coz i would have quit on myself a long time ago.

Sleep Deprivation

For the past few weeks, one has been having serious problems with sleeping. The same nightmare occurs on a very regular basis and it is something that is now beginning to effect my whole life. It is getting me down and keeping me there, even though my Master has mentioned a few things to me. One thing i try very hard to do, but unable to do such, i get close but then shake so hard, uncontrollably. As my nightmare is about drowning, and i have a fear of such, it was suggested that i try to place my face in a bowl of water, which i am unable to do. As a child i went under water at a swimming pool, when out on a school swimming lesson. From that day onwards i have had a fear of drowning. Why i am getting the same nightmare i do not know. It has only been happening since moving back into my old childhood room. Whilst i was sleeping on the couch, i had nightmares yes, now and then, but nothing as strong as what this one is. Gee, i mean, every night? Surely there is something wrong with this.
Went for tests and scans after seeing my doctor. I have now been contacted by the doctor who has the resuts back. Nervousness and worry set in more, as i have to wait until Monday to see him, and find out what, if anything, is wrong.
I feel such a burden upon Master and i do admit i did beg release, knowing that one is unable to serve her Master as well as she should be able to. Of course, Master said no, he would not release me, just because i am goin through bad health at this moment. He is in this for the long haul and i am so very happy to have heard such. To lose my Master now will mean i will lose everything. I love him very much and it hurt me to beg release more than anyone will ever know.
Still, i feel like i am drifting from my Master and i know not why, not distancing myself, i dont mean that. There is just something that doesnt feel right, but i know not what

After being a right bitch last night, she prays what she has shown to her Master today that she is worthy of keeping her status of fg. Though this is the decision of her Master only, girl knows in her heart she is very capable of such position, if not more so since being with her Master and has been able to show to him what she truly is and shall become.
It is very nice to be part of a family, though at this moment in time, she does not feel very close to any of her sisters, or brother, this is due to not being able to have much one on one with them,, though she prays this is something that can become better, so we can all work together in pleasing our Master and making him extremely happy and proud of who he owns.
Girl is finding herself calling her Master her Superior more often, as she feels it should be. Each time she calls him Superior she feels weak at the knees and very vulnerable, this helps her to remember her place (most of the time...blushes)
Master has a lot of great qualities about him and for this girl loves him more and more with each breath she takes.Master always does the right thing, even when tora feels it is not, He is my Master and tora is his slave, which is a bond which no man/or woman will ever break, no matter how much they may try.

Just a Quickie

Slept on and off all day due to not feeling too good. Have been unable to study due to lack of concentration and a lot of sniffles. This one knows she will have to make up for it over the weekend. One day this one will learn to do things when she should so her weekends shall be free.

Enjoyable Day

Just returned home from having a very long but enjoyable day, spending most of it with her Dad and step mum. It was a great pleasure to just be able to talk between adults without ones sisters interupting us, as they were at college and school. As is the norm between Dad and this one, we spoke about many things along with our most compassionate topic, which is music.
On the way home one saw a lovely black lab, playing in the park chasing a stick which its owner threw a fair way. It made this one wonder what it would be like to build a bond of trust between woman and dog, to a point that she would be allowed to do anything to, albeit from taking it for walks to stroking, sucking and getting the dog to mount her pussy and ass. Maybe even get a bitch so one could explore her fantasies a little deeper, being able to lick out a bitch (literally), how wonderful that must be.
Well, one is a little tired after a great day, so will stop here and see if her Master shows before this one falls asleep at the computer, which would not be a first...hehe

Bad Mood,Good Mood

Was in a totally mad mood not so long ago, as one was accused of doing something she did not do. Paced the floor many times to try and calm down as Master had just gone to bed when this happened. Manged to calm enough to think things through and basically came to the conclusion that one is better off and has begun looking for work (sl) once more. Have placed another application in already though it takes about ten days before one shall hear back so continues to look elsewhere. Really thinking seriously of changing carreer status there, trying to better herself for the real world and for her Master. Seems like sometimes honesty is not the best policy, one could never meet a more honest person as herself, okay so she is biased, but at least she is honest about it...hehe
Was a little upset also when one was dropped a bombshell from what seems was a great height. Expressing concerns she managed to upset her Master, even though it was not her intention to do such, she was just sharing her thoughts and feelings on a particular matter. Truly hope Master went to bed in a good mood and not one of being upset.

Update

Really unsure what to put in here today as one is feeling rather tired still. Unbelievable that one slept for over eight hours today though awoke once. It seems she has not been able to get to sleep until about 4-6am and getting up about 10-11am but today was different as she went to sleep at 4am, woke up at 10am then went back to sleep until gone 2pm. Wonder if having a bed to sleep in last night had anything to do with tora just not wanting to get up, which is unusual as she always races to get back online ready for her Master to return from work. As she was not there for his return today, she is feeling pretty much (excuse the language) shitty about it. Feels like one has let her Master down, the slave he can rely on, was not there and one is kiskcing herself for it.
Even a few moments with Master is so precious to tora, she is finding it harder and harder not being able to serve in person, this truly sucks and is driving me mad, so one would hate to guess how her Master is feeling, more if not the same as tora, no doubt.
Master has not been himself recently and one has been finding herself biting her tongue on more than one occassion. Trying to realise that things are stressful and Master has a lot going on in his life, but gee, what did tora do to have it taken out on her. Still, Master needs someone to vent out on, and tora has more than her fair share of venting out on her Master. If Master cannot rely on tora, who else can he rely on. Master is my life, my heart, my mind and I love him so much, more so through his bad times, oh how she loves it when it is kiss and make up time...grin devilishly
On toras end things have not changed much, still looking for work, still waiting for the disc to come through so she can begin her studies, still trying to find things constructive to do as she waits. Maybe one will call up college tomorrow to find out what is going on as she has left it a little late to call today.
Recently joined OBEAH and still trying to work her way through it, she has had a couple of Men of colour add her as a friend, so one will have to set some time today to reply to messages (wondering if this will be classed as study time...hehe). Will be a little nervous to reply, as she usually is when joining a new group/site but she sure this will pass and she also knows her Master has faith in her to succeed, even in this.
Think one has got addicted to Second Life, she is makinga few good friends, who have helped her learn to build since she is now renting a home.In SL she works for three clubs as a dancer, though she has also been contacted by a fourth who are interested in her. Will have to make sure she does not do too much and suffer a burn out as that is not fair on Master. He must come first and so must tora's health. Master is her main priority and his wishes, desires are girls command. She just has to stop being so darn stubborn.

Bad Mood Friday

Not a happy bunny after returning from the post office and finding the monies owed have not been credited to her account. Every bank holiday is the same and one is pretty much at the end of her tether with the darn JC. When one finally got through to their office she was told it was for the same reason as she gets every time, "They failed to process her details to say she signed". This is really annoying but one managed, somehow, to keep calm whilst talking to the lady on the phone and was told it will be in her account on Wednesday. Another payment a week later than it should be. Trying to calm down as there is nothing else she can do about this, but just wait. What really gets this one is that if she owed them money they would be jumping on her case without hesitation, a matter of hurry up and wait is now in order, I AM PEEVED.
Well, apart from that, she and taz had a very pleasant walk over the park. Though the wind was a bit chilly it was a nice walk. The park was empty so one was able to enjoy the views without worrying about what dog taz was running up to....hehe. He is such a playful dog but unfortunately not all dogs are and he always picks on the bigger ones....lol.

I Love You Master

Being fucked by my Masters hard black cock is such a joy and pleasure and i feel humbled to be his. He makes this one shake and tremble with ecstasy and love for him, making her crave his black cock more and more each day. He is such a dark and sadistic bastard at times and i love it. I long and crave to serve in all ways, to suck and be fucked by more and more black dicks, to drink from many pussies and be fucked and drink many animal cocks is such a desire and crave i so wish to fulfill. She is a cum slut, a black cock slut, a k9 whore, an incestial bitch, a pussy loving slut and anything else my Master wants me to be. I am his slave to serve him in ways he desires, his way is my way, and i shall serve him with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. All that i am belongs to my Master and i am no longer in control of my life. I love you Master.

Rambling about nothing, i guess

It was a very pleasant weekend, without having to study, though now another week has begun, one had better knuckle down to her studies so she may be allowed another free weekend, next week. What would have made it better is if Master had been here with me. One knows not if he really knows how much he is missed when he is not here, though she is understandable in his reasons for being absent, due to being ill. He worries tora so much and she hopes and prays he will be feeling much better soon. One is also concerned about her sister, for reasons she is unable to share at this time as she feels it is up to her sister to mention these things to Master, why should this one have to tell him all the time.....sighs.
Well better go and study for a while, before she has to wake up her Master. She hopes Master has been able to rest well and feels better when he awakes.

Short Note

I do worry about Master, now I hve heard he had an accident on his bike, luckily he only hurt his foot, if one can call it lucky, it could have been much worse. How I wish I was there to look after him in all of his needs, it saddens and upset me that he is alone at home, in his bed, without no one to snuggle up to, no one to be there, in person for him. I so wish I could find a job so I could save a little and get to him sooner, rather than later, but alas the work is hard to find.
Tried to do more on the forum earlier, but her concentration was just not cutting it, so she read for a while, about dances and thought about how much she really does want to be everything a slave should be.
Have been distracted a lot as the bikes are on, and Master knows all too well what one is like about motorcycle racing. So, this is a short entry as I am unable to focus. Going to watch the bikes

Overtired

For no consciously known reason, one had a night of no sleep at all. Closing down the computer, she lay down and tossed and turned for almost an hour. It was not due to not getting comfortable, as she was rather so, considering she sleeps on the couch. Just unable to sleep and knows not why...sighs.

Just a Note

Had a long walk this morning, went to the study centre and enquired about the free courses I wish to take. Hoping to receive the disc I need by the end of next week maximum. As soon as I get that I can log in to the online account and begin...woo hoo.
My worries were over when Master came online and talked to me for a while before going to sleep earlier. I was worrying about him more than i hope i have let onto him. Have not done much today, but Master has put me back in my place and I have to focus on what I have to do for Him before I go and do things for myself. Though also for Master, in a round about way.
Not much to say as I havent done much....lol
I kow he will say dont, but i will worry about Master, no matter what. I only wish I was there, with him in person to help out. Maybe not by much but I can at least keep an eye on him....smiles

Good Day

The morning was off to a bad start as tora could not wait for Master to come online. Needing to be out of the house by 10.30am she waited as late as she possibly dare. Master did forewarn her that he may have to work some long hours this week to get things done, so she was not that upset, but misses him dearly when he is not around. Even if we do not talk, just to be in his presence is a blessing and privelege to be in, to which tora is always greatful.
Well no need to go to the jobcentre next Master, as it is Bank Holiday, so needs not go there until two weeks, which means she shall not be going to her Dad's until that day.
Had a good time at Dad's though the girls decided to have a fight, which ended up in the older of the two to be grounded for a week and sent to her room. That is something this one never had done to her, she was never grounded. Yes, she did things wrong, but when she did she got the belt to her tush, if not a fat lip, or thrown across the room. Oh to have been grounded, would have been much kinder.
Did not return home until 6.30pm and spent half an hour to have a cuppa and catch up on her Mum's day as it was her first day off from work. Think there was talk of Mum and step-dad going out for the day while Mum is on a break from work, though knows not where or when, will have to keep a listen out *smiles*
Younger brother was using his laptop,which tora usually uses so took the opportunity to have a good soak in the bath, her only time to relax a little without any disturbance. During this time, she went through her positions (which counts as study, she hopes...lol), like she usually does while waiting for the bath to fill up with water. There is nothing quite like a hot bubble bath, oh how she really enjoys her bathtimes, just wishes she had some scented candles or oils to burn as they are really soothing.
Managed to get online about 7.50pm so as anyone can see, she has not been online long. Shall try to get some study done, though also wishes to get her files placed on her flash drive (which she used her last bit of money to get, and still has over a week before she gets paid).
She also needs to get some work done on SL, but she knows her studies are a priority, so will see as the evening goes.

To Be or Not To Be

After having to make up for not doing what was expected of her the other day, tora studied for a couple of hours today, reading more about the Gorean foods and coins. It is her hope that the first set of studies shall be entered into her section upon the forum by the end of this coming week.
She finished catching up with her FB accounts then spent some time on Second Life. Went into the same place as she did when thalia invited one to join her. Had a lengthy talk to the owner and ask this one to ask Master if He remembers the Master using the same name DarkRaven Ninetails. This one has been honest with answering the questions put to her and tora has some concerns about thalia, as she is stating that the Master who *owns* her on sl also owns her in real time. When this one said that we had the same Masters in reality and mentioned the name LastSamurai, it seems there was some confusion, which is when she found out about the *Master* thing. Wonder if my Master knows of this. Dreading for Master to read this entry because of the aforementioned topic, which she feels if not knows will make Him mad, which would mean she may not have as much time with Him when He wakes due to having to deal with thalia, perhaps. Wish sis was open and honest with Master, it is not fair on Him, or her and it is not fair on tora either.
Have been asked to be *sold and trained* in the room owned by the above mentioned Master, but she stepped back a little and explained about my Master and i being real. They tried to reassure her that it is not a real sale as what is real stays real and what is sl stays on sl. This is something tora is unable to comprehend as to her her real and online Master are One and the same. It would be nice to meet and talk to other Goreans, Free and slaves alike, but if Master says no, then that is it and one will beg Master to help her find or recomend somewhere else she may go while Master is sleeping. Nearing the end of tora's time on sl, as she went to eat, realising she was three hours late in doing so, she saw thalia enter the room. One has been given a landmark card so she can easily return there, if she is allowed to after speaking to Master, if tora feels it is worth returning.
Read Masters latest entry in His diary and really felt for Him as His day has been utterly hectic and by the sound of things so shall this coming week. This one worries about Master as much if not more than He worries about tora. Reading the final part made her beam a smile and chuckle as Master speaks highly of this one. Yes Master, she is sure that You shall end her fears and nightmares, this she has no doubt. Knowing how much Master has brought tora thus far, she can know in her heart that her Master will bring her out of this problem she finds herself in and He shall bring her out, turning things around, letting her know there is beauty and love in this, instead of turmoil and despair. It may take a while, but tora knows, hand on heart, that her Master will never let her down and will always have her best interests at heart. Thank You Master.

Broken Chains

Have tried my best to study today, but with a certain someone on my mind, it has been a struggle. When no more could be taken, one made the phone call and spent a long while talking to him, trying to make it believeable that there were options open to us, but at the end of the phone call, he put the phone down on me, so that is that. Five years of my life gone, woosh, bye bye. I was going to say they were wasted, but that would be a lie, there were very good times, though there were also some very bad times. Now i need time for this to sink in and know it is finally over and if he wants friendship that is fine by me, but if not, then that is also fine, as I know I have some One and something much better now. Some One who want lie, who wont go behind my back and do horrible things, some One i can trust and be myself with, totally. Some One who is not going to belittle me, and make out I am useless, some One who is strong enough to protect me, not just physially but mentally too. Something that even my wildest dreams would not even come close to.

Maybe now, i can get on with the rest of my life and hopefully now my stress levels will now be less and focus shall be more.

My heavy chains have now been broken, though i continue to be bound to slavery, my new chains are lighter. In these chains, I am free.

Bad Start, Great Ending??

After a misunderstanding and a time of silence, things slowly began to pick up this morning. It truly upset me to know when Master is not Himself, as girl feels useless unable to help Him being thousands of miles away. As time went by things picked up and it made on happy to know Master went to rest in a much better frame of mind, than the one tora woke up to.
While Master rests, one has made herself busy and did some Gorean studies, placing things upon the forum, as she usually tries to do, little by little. Also did more homework and looked for more pictures, not many more to find now, though some are duplicates as such so shall not bother with those. Also reading her message archive as requested and making mental notes. Tomorrow tora will begin to place a few things upon papaer, of what she wishes to learn more about her Master, though even now, daily she learns a little more about Him, which makes her fall in love with Him more and more.
Must admit, she is feeling rather damo and horny after looking through a lot of pictures, trying to find some good ones to pick from. Knows not why Master has requested this from her, but t is in her Master tora trusts and she is sure she will learn why all in Masters time.

Venting and Observations

If Master thinks i am going to go all black, He has another thing coming.Is He not pleased or happy enough as to what i have already become? sheesh, just cannot please Him these days. As soon as i submit to another thing, He is on about something or someone else, well He can quit it because i will just go back in my shell if not careful. i wish he would give me time to digest the past few months, as i have not had chance to reflect on who i was and who i am now, for God sake slow down, i need time to breathe, sheesh. There are other things for me to learn, i dont and wont learn every small sexual thing all at the same time. About time i was introduced to something away from the sexual stuff, just like Master began to the other night,and stillnot shared everything with me about His past now. Now,i may be wrong, but i feel He has hit a place where he has a problem, or causes Him pain, as He has not volunteered any other information. In time i hope He will be able to trust me with the rest of His past, just as He does His sexual appetite. i have also noticed that He has admitted he has done wrong in His past, but has seemed to glide over it, He does not go into as much detail, like he does when talking about something good He has done. i wonder why. So what is He hiding, what pain is He feeling?

Loyalties

Being the head girl, or first girl can be almost impossible at times. It takes someone who can take the whip from her Master and hassle and name calling from other slaves in the household. Although tora feels like crap after having to share some details unknown to Him, she knows she has done the right and honourable thing. Above all else, her Master comes first, He is the Head of the household, the owner, the Master, of everything within that household. His responsibilities are more than most people could ever imagine.
When the Master is away, it is the head girls job (if no other Free is present) that the house is run smoothly and all rules are obeyed, at all times. When something goes wrong, she is responsible to report back to her Master. No matter who it involves or what it may be, no matter how she feels about the person, her duties are to report ALL things to Master. The head girl's loyalties are with her Master, as should all His slaves loyalties should be. This said, it still doesnt mean that she doesnt feel crap having to report a beloved sister or brother for doing wrong and she admits it hurts her to do such. If only her sister knew how much it hurt one to mention to Master that she was disrespectful to His name and to His home. It also hurts to know Master has been displeased, more than most would understand.
Since the wrong has been reported, i have heard nothing from my sister, guess she is pissed, but i have to stay strong and stand/kneel by my Master, to be strong and hold my own, sis will either get over it or she won't. i must stay focused and loyal to my Master at all times, in all things.
On a good note though, or i think it is a good note, i have spoken and shared briefly about a little of myself to the Mistress who is very close friend of Masters. i was polite and informative, answered her questions, though when i called her Mistress, i found myself gritting my teeth at first, though she does seem pleasant enough, and i admit i did begin to relax a little. She had to leave but said she would be back within an hour. The Mistress is hoping to talk more with me then. i shall try to stay online for her return, as i know it would please Master.

All Things Are Possible, For Those Who Believe

It has been a day filled with many things, one hopes she can remember everything she did and felt...should be interesting....here goes.

As always I spent a great time with Master, from the time I awoke until He went to bed over four hours ago. It was great to have some time to ourselves, which is very rare, considering where I live is usually filled with people at any given time. With everyone out of the way, Master and I were able to have a deep session, which filled me with more emotions than I ever thought imaginable. It has continued to make me feel loved and secure, but also made me think about my slavery to Master. Until our recent session, I admit I did not truly know in my heart just how much I felt about Master. Yes, I love Him, in fact I am in love with Him. I am realising that the more I learn about Him and His ways, the more I am falling in love wth Him on a daily basis. I never want this feeling I have to ever fade or disappear, but to continue to grow ever onward and upward. It has not been until recently that I have been truly listening to Him, in fact it has only been since He made me realise that for over twenty years, I have been running from myself, my innerself, which is rather stupid when one stops to think about it. Since then, I have been wanting to learn and know more about Master, as well as what lies deep within myself, things I know is there, though not knowing exactly what they are. This frightens me, as I feel I should know everything about myself. Ig I don't know me, how can I expect anyone else to, but this philosophy is thrown out of the window, as I learn about Master and His ways of teaching, as I know He really does know more about me than I know of myself. I have found myself eating my words as I listen to Master with more understanding and eagerness and I really hate eating humble pie....lol.
I know I belong to Master 100% yes I have a rebellious side which slips out more times than I wish, but it is who I am, is it not? I am sure Master may disagree with me there...lol. I know I am Masters slut, in all things, but I also now wish to know if I am or could ever be His confidant, His lady, His companion. I guess only Master can show and/or tell me the answer to these things. I may not know straight away, or when I would wish to know, but I sincerely pray that Master will be able to open up more to me, as I open up more to Him.
I did not know what to do or say earlier, as Master surprised me in a very big way, when He gave me His heart. Wow, such an honour, something which I pray that I can love, honour and obey Him more and more, as I take care of His needs, His wants, His desires, and make His dreams come true.
After Master went to bed, I decided to close the computer and send some time in my own mind, with my own thoughts and feelings, which are now are on this page before me. I washed my hair and took time in having a long, soak in the bath. Whilst in the bath and after I had finished bathing, and doing my bits and pieces, I lay in the warm water, closed my eyes and imagined myself in my secret place, where no one else can go to, not even Master. While there, I realised that I really am changing. Yes there may be an issue or two to still be sorted out, but I know they shall be done so, when the time is right. All I have to do is listen, learn and obey. I then found myself caressing my own body in a way I have never done before in my life. My hands traveled over my breasts in a seductive manner, travelling upon my stomach and down to my pussy, caressing and taking care of every inch of flesh, and I have many inches....lol. I felt different about myself, I would even go to say that for the first time I felt like I was loving myself. Not meaning in a sexual nature par se, but literally loving myself, loving in love with myself, it felt strange but very very good. I felt better about myself and was able to look in the mirror in a different light. For this, I really do thank Master, His teaching and guidance, even when I have no clue why He does some things and He may not say why, whch is frustrating. I am learning, or should I say relearning how love not only another, but also myself. I am not only trusting another, but for the first time in years, I am beginning to trust/believe in myself. Now I know where I belong in this world and more importantly to Whom I belong to, I crave to learn more, I long to succeed in all things both none sexual and sexual. I wish to learn all I am able to and I know with Master, my Master, ALL things are possible, as long as I put my trust in Him.

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE.



Hold me close, let Your love surround me,
Bring me near, draw me to Your side,
As i rise, i'll soar up like an eagle,
And i will soar with You,Your spirit leads me on,
In the power of Your love.

Changes and Reservations

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A Day of Learning

Today has been a day of learning more about myself and my Master.
Although I learn at least one thing on a daily basis, today was different. After many years of running away from something unknown to me, today was the day I realised just what/whom I was running from. Thinking about it now my past actions have been rather silly, as I have found I have been running away from my innerself. Well, duh, one cannot run away from oneself, no matter how she may try or how long she tires it. Whatever is inside her will never go away, only pushed further down, until one day, it rises so high it erupts like lava from a volcano, never to be allowed back in, but to flow over and into the deep valley's below.
The findings were after one decided to make an account on Fetlife and looked through a very long list of many fetishes, realising just how much she either does or is curious about doing. In fact, I shall go as far as saying that I crave many things, to which I knew not before. Though also realising this is something my Master has been trying to show me for a while now. Well, better late than never huh...lol
After my findings, I feel myself craving more and more, not only of the darkness of oneself, but also craving to find the lightness of herself, to which she feels/knows there must be a lot, it is just a matter of finding them, one at a time. I now know, with trust in my Master, I shall learn many many more wonderous things about him and I as time goes by. So when I feel down or depressed, I must look upwards, towards my Master and learn from him, feed from him, drink from him and allow his love and guidance to soak through me.

Another One Bites The Dust??

After having a great day, I was so much looking forward in to Master waking up and spending some quality time with him. Unfortunately that was not to be as it seemed to me he was having a go at me over something, which I do not know what, wanting to begin an arguement? When I asked what had happened, there was silence....i tried to be respectful to him, but still silence...so i tried the bitchy side and still he did not bite, so i guess that s the end of us. Just think, i gave up a lot of things to Master and for what....to be treated like this, just like the others. I opened up to him in ways i have never done before, nor ever will again. I was just coming round to the fact that Master was not like the others....then he goes and does this......hmmmmm
Well thats it....another One bites the dust? Wish i knew why
Just think, I was speaking nothing but praises about Master, to my Dad......so sad....so so sad. I will never love another, as i am just too tired to be broken hearted again, and again and again

Food for Thought

As always it was great to hear Masters voice when i called earlier today. One knows not why but she always seems to understand more when it is not written down and is spoken to her. Feeling the need to hear his voice more, she really hopes and prays that the sound on his computer can be sorted out soon, without much cost, if any.
I know Master loves and cares for me, as there are many times this has been proven, time and time again. Somehow I have to try and put my past behind me, so Master does not get treated as the ones before him.
As one was walking home she heard him say something which kind of touched a nerve in me. When he mentioned that there may be comeone after him, my heart sank a little, wondering why he would say such a thing. I guess he has had many disappointments in his own lifetime, probably more than myself and does not take anything for granted.
Why can I not think like him? How can I stop the thoughts of what society thinks come to my mind. Surely all that matters are Master and myself. Why am I allowing myself to think and worry what others think. Why am I so emersed in the *worldly* goings on?

Wednesday, 5th August 2009

Really getting frustrated as no matter what one does, she is unable to get out of the depression she feels herself falling into. She has tried everything she can think of and nothing seems to be working, or at least not for long. It is times like these she misses her hubby, as he would have been able to help her come out of it and get her motivated once again. He knew every part of her mind, heart and spirit and knew what was needed to be done or said. If only she could remember everything he did or said, so she would be able to get ack to normal. She should have listened and took in more, while she had a chance. Now she feels she is alone again in this matter,as she does not expect anyone to know what to do to help. She will just have to ride through this and hope and pray she comes out of it sooner rather than later.
While i am feeling this way, it is hard to keep a smile and a cheery composition.It only takes something simple to start me off. I truly wish Master would just step back a little, especially when I am feeling like this. Many times this week I have found myself trying to hold onto my tongue so i would not say something i would regret after calming down. Most of it is to do with sexual stuff. it is not that i do not wish the sexual stuff, that could not be further from the truth, but what i do not think Master knows is how to help someone or be when being round someone with depression. Though even when he has been joking about other things, i have found myself snapping at him as i just cannot deal with some things at this moment.
I am trying not get to the stage of depression, which would result in going onto anti-depression tablets, as they are so addictive and i have enough adictions to cope with, without another one.

Monday, 3rd August 20009

Got frustrated earlier as one tried to burn some short vids upon disc. The programme kept coming up with the same error that there were no disc in the disc drive. If one tried a dozen times it would still be saying the same and she also went through the whole pack of discs, with the same problem. So, in the end one gave up and is hoping her Master would be kind enough send a disc or two to her via good ole reliable snail mail. Will just have to be extra careful until such time she can get things deleted.
The day has been good, with having news of some courses one is interested in taking, she feels she needs to stay focused, though as she battles through depression, she is finding hard, but not impossible.

Unhappiness

The past few weeks, she has been unable to get herself out of the depression she feels herself falling into. Unlike years ago, it is only a slight depression, but she is finding it hard to pull herself out of it. She has been very quiet, more than usual, hardly talking to anyone. There feels to be a distance between Master and herself, but she thinks this may be because of how she is. Not wanting to do anything for too long. Longing for a hug, a soft voice, a small praise, something, anything to help her be more like herself.

How can she have the hugs, praise and such, if she is not doing anything to be pleasing about? It took all she had to get one to study today. It was only for about thirty minutes to an hour, but she really struggled to keep focused and concentrate on what she was supposed to be doing.

She feels she has no drive, no get up and go. Feeling very lethargic and fights her tears most of the time, not wanting to feel this way, not wanting to worry anyone. So she just stays quiet and goes into a world of her own.

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Really not sure what is going on with her, as she just don't feel like doing anything. Maybe the weather is not helping as it has not stopped raining all day and doesn't look like stopping anytime soon. She feels herself cringe often when the *c* command is said,making her feel dirty and used, though also feeling like it is her duty to do so, sometimes forcing herself to do what has been commanded.
Must admit, though rare, she has been faking at times, as she wishes not to displease her Master. Now this said, she probably has displeased him, owning up to this fact of lying. Keeping things from him is not what she wants to do, she only wants to please and all she is doing is the total opposite.
Studying is the last thing from her mind, she really has not got the patience, concentration span or quietness she needs to do such, so she gave up studying ages ago. Another thing she expects Master to have a go at her for. If he doesn't then she knows that he is not really interested in what she does or doesn't do, and will make her think just what we have got together. When study is mentioned she automatically thinks of Gorean study, though maybe, as she thinks about it, it may mean other studies. Oh how I wish Master was more specific in what he wants, desires. Why does it have to be full of guessing games, or me having to ask stupid questions, which he may think I should already know. Well, sorry to say, I have many untold talents, but mind reading is not one of them, and never will be.
I am sure there is more I couldput here,but to be honest,i have lost concentration, so will close here.

Twenty-Four Hours

It has been over 24 hours since one has heard from her Master. He went to lay down about this time yesterday, as he was suffering with a headache, which was turning into a migraine. One knows all too well how a bad migraine can be. It is unlike Master not to send a message, even if only a short one saying he is still not well, but she has heard nothing from him and and is worried.

Rain On Me

As one looks out of the window on a dull, grey and mirky afternoon, watching the wet crystal droplets racing down the clear glass pane, she inhales deeply allowing a long sigh escape as she thinks about how much she misses her Master. Yearning to be in his strong arms, to feel his touch, inhale his scent and feel his love in a more personal way. His soft,yet masculine voice making her melt into submission, his gentle eyes making her heart pound with love and wanton to be pleasing to such a true, honest, caring, loving Master such as he.
The internet is good for the first *getting to know* stages but after that she craves for more. Feeling a little lost unable to see him, hear him, touch him.
As she looks out of the water covered window, her heart and mind craving for more of the *reality* she wonders if the rain will ever stop, will the sun shine, will her heart be bright and burn with desire once again.

Killing with Kindness

Getting rather frustrated having not being able to focus on the more important things, having to try and sort out this headache which one has had for over a week now. It makes one feel like not doing anything as she is using all her energy on fighting off the pain.
She really feels she needs to begin focussing again on the more important things and not just her. Master is so understanding and patient with her. When others would have been rather agressive with her, Master has not used His position in an abrupt or demanding manor, though he is in his rights to.
Often she wonders just how much patience her Master has, as she would have been pounced on more than one occassion, for her behaviour or mannerisms (lack of), in the past. She is unsure how much of this *kill them with kindness* manner, in which he uses, she can take.

Battling On

A week suffering with a headache is no fun at al. It gets one down and makes her feel lethargic, with no energy or get up and go. Her get up and go, got up and went for a whole week. No matter what she tried to do, from taking a long hot bubble bath to going for a walk, sitting in the garden or jst closing ones eyes. Nothing seems to be working, not even painkillers, though did dull the pain, the ache remained.
This has left one feeling withdrawn, distant and in a way, useless towards her Master. When she supposed to be concentrating on her Masters, what He wants, He needs, all she has been able to do is concentrate on sorting out her headaches. They are not as strong as they were at the beginning of the week, though they do continue to bug her, letting her know the ache/problem is still there.
She is thinking if she is no better by Monday, a visit to the docotr may be needed, considering the problem she had a few years back. Thinking there is nothing serious to worry about, she feels it is better safe than sorry.
Her studies have become none existant, as well as everything else. Her concentration span for serious topics are is not as it supposed to be. If this carries on much longer, she knows it will begin to annoy her Master and make Him feelshe cares not, which is far from the truth.

Frustration

Feeling rather frustrated, suffering a very bad headache/migraine for the past few days. This morning she thought it had gone as there was only a dull ache, though this afternoon as proved her wrong as it seems it has come bad with avengence. Feeling this way makes one not want to do much else than to try and relax and try all one can to get rid of the pain.
She feels as if she is useless and unable to look after her Master/ be there for Him as much as she supposed to be. The last few days have been fairly quiet between us, with only light conversation (mainly about the games we both play and His work). One understands that her Master is probably trying to give her the space and time she needs to feel better in health, though she cannot help but feel slightly distant because of it. She also knows, deep down that this is only a temporary feeling and knows that our bond grows stronger each day.

Migraine From Hell

Have been suffering from a migraine for more than five hours now and unable to seep it off at the moment. This sucks not having a room of her own she can go to when she is in very bad pain. After taken 1600 milligrams of Iboprofen, the pain is still kicking her butt. With the lights on, the television loud, people shouting over the television instead of turning the darn thing down, there is no way I can even begin to try and get rid of this pain.

Stuck Indoors

Fed up of being stuck indoors, but with the weather being very wet and dismal, one has really no choice. She was going to go to the local college for the open day to find out more about what courses would be on offer for her, but with it raining all day, she is not prepared to venture out and get wet, taking a chance of becoming ill. It has always been driven into her that health comes first above or else, so she stays indoors and wonders what to do to broaden her mind and learn at least one thing today. If one does not learn at least one thing per day then it is a day very much wasted.

Monday, 6th July 2009

It was so nice to get out of the house for a couple of hours this morning. No computer, no phone, no family around, just tora. It is very seldom these days that she is able to have any kind of alone time while she is at home. This only happens when she goes out on her walks, but still she has no privacy, no room of her own to go to if/when she needs some space, some time just for her. Will she ever get that chance, that privacy back? Only time shall tell.
When she returned home, she briefly spoke to Master, before he went to lay down due to a headache. She really prays he is feeling much better.
As her brother had the computer, this one decided to have a nice, warm, relaxing soak in the bath, washing away any negativity plus it is the only room with a lock on so she can have some privacy, just to sit, be still and clear her mind, meditate, something she has not been able to do for a while. It was the best hour she has spent on her own for a long while.Not thinking about anything, clearing her mind and going to her secret place where no one, not even Master can go to.
After her bath she found that her brother had left the laptop for her, so she checked her e-mails, which she has not done for about three days now...oopsy. She had received one particular email which, while reading, made a tear appear in her eyes. This is has never happened before, not from emails...weird. It was a very meaningful story about a girl's dog dying and going to Heaven, she wrote a letter to God and received a reply. Very touching indeed.

Saturday, 4th July 2009

Feeling a little more comfortable playing AE now that Master has given her another list of what to build and look out for, as well as making a few notes. YoVille and Farm Town are really looking good on both of tora's account and so are Masters. This one is very happy to learn that Master wishes to join in with things that this one enjoys, so He can learn more about her.
She also is happy to know that she is pleasing her Master more and more with each passing day. The more she tries and pleases Him,the more she craves to be with Him, in person.
She knows the past few days have been very tiring for Master, and that is just with this one, let alone with moving and working now. It has been a difficult week for us both for different reasons, and she knows she has been keeping her distance, ever since telling her hubby their relationship is over. She still receives messages from him often, trying to win this one back. Sorry buster, but she thinks it is ...erm...what is the saying....too little too late. Though she minds not in staying friends, she knows her future no longer belongs to him in any deep capacity.
Must remember to wish all her American friends/family a happy Indepence Day.

Quiet Day

Just a quiet day, trying to cool down from the heat. Shoulder is still hurting so been taking painkillers throughout the day.

A Good Day

The day has been good throughout, with the weather being sunny and warm, this one spent a vast amount of time out in the sunshine. This morning she went and took the dog over the park. Even though it was only 7am, it was rather warm, which made the walk rather enjoyable. With only one or two dog walkers over the very far side, it gave this one an opportunity to use the small amount of exercise aparatus, while taz ran around. After the short exercise, we continued on our walk round the park and this one threw the ball for taz, until she pulled something in her shoulder. The view was very picturesque as the sky was clear, she could see trees, fields and buildings for miles,which enlightened her heart.
After speaking with Master, this afternoon, she spent a good three hours outside in the garden, lay on her blanket,taz lay on the grass just a little distance away as we both enjoyed the sunshine and peace. Got too quiet so tora being tora put on her music....loud....lol. She danced a little until she got overheated, then lay back down in the shade, just enjoying the air, feeling the slight cool breeze through her hair, cooling her face and making her smile as it whistled through her earstuds...hehe.
Supposed to be having thundery showers for the next three days, and slightly cooler. Hope she can get out to go for her walks, as she really felt a change in her today. Also had a few words come to her, which she has taken note of. Maybe to use in a poem or story.
In a little pain tonight, with her shoulder and wrist, but have taken some painkillers so should be okay....lol. No pain no gain and she not called a pain slut for nothing....hehe.

No Going Back

Today she told hubby it was over as she is fed up of being second fiddle to bull such as games on a certain site. His messages getting later and later, if at all and just peeved of all the excuses he has been giving her for the past 18 months. This one can understand a coupld of problems every now and then, but when they become a daily occurence then one must know that there is something not quite right. It has only taken this one 18 months to realise just what is happening, even though many people have been saying that he is just saying what this one wants to hear. Well, enough is enough and she is taking no more bull from him. Was a little taken aback when all he had to say was *whatever* He has been talking to this one better since she has told him she has had enough and said it is over. This will not change a thing as once she has said something and/or made up her mind, that is it, no going back.

Think Before One Speaks

Sometimes one has difficulties in expressing herself in a slave-like manner. Why is it that she uses a tone she really wishes not to. Just because Mother Nature may be arriving, does not give her an exuse to behave in a way that may be unpleasing to her Master. She needs to try harder to think before she speaks, and use the correct soft tone which she feels is expected of her at all times. No matter how hard it may seem, she must learn to control her speech. This one must remember that her Master does not deserve to hear such harshness from her, it is not He whom she has a problem with.
She feels there are some things which are not needed to be shared and her bad moods are one of them.
Still struggling with being torn between Church and the chosen path she has decided to live, she is unsure what to do. One things is clear though and that she knows she must make time each day to read and study her bible, pray and spend time with her Lord. She must also remember that studying what her Master desires is also of great importance, even though she may not want to admit it, she knows it is for her best interest that she must try harder and not be so darn rebellious like she has been doing for a while now.

Just Ranting

When a Master says that He wants to control the whole slave,mind, body, heart and soul, do they really mean that they want to control 100%? For example, do they really want to be in control of the body, not in the sexual sense, but of the natural sense. Would they really want to control the slave when she is going through the menstrual cycle. Do they truly want to help them conquer the mood swings, the bitchiness, or do they just go and hide and wait until the periodical is over, then come back and control the body in a sexual way again. In this ones opinion, if Master wants the whole slave, then He will have to want the bad as well as good and deal with everything accordingly. Why do they always leave the slave to try and deal with the emotions and hormones on their own. Seems like they do not wish to take that problem away from the slave, so they cannot say they are in control 100% because the slave has to try, somehow, even when she knows not how to, to deal with this problem, on her own. Hmmmmmm, Masters huh....who needs em.

Just Another Day

Went for a walk this morning, took taz over the park on the way to the post office. The park was fairly quiet with only three or four other dog walkers. Taz had the time of his life, going up to the other dogs and playing with them. As one was watching, her feelings for taz became stronger, feeling a strong bond forming even more. Her craving to please her Master is also becoming stronger and deeper, wanting to go as far with taz as is possible. She often wonders about how he tastes and feels as well as how he would react to this one touching him and tasting him.
We went to the post office to get a few things done, before returning home walking again over the park. When we arrived back it was funny that neither of us were missed, no one realised we had even been out, until this one paid for her keep.
Hoping to find her passport today and go to the library, so she will be able to find some books and/or more information about education, so she will be able to better herself and be a success for her Master as well as herself.
This one so much wants to be pleasing in the deepest ways for her Master and she is missing Him so much as she has not spoken to Him since last night. The love for each other is growing day by day. She is amazed just how much in love she can be with one person in such a short amount of time. It has only been a few months and she finds herself wondering just how much love she could have inside her, craving to come out and be free.

Feeling Lonely

Feeling kinda lonely this afternoon even though she is in Master's presence. He seems to be busy with more important matters and we are barely talking. Thought she would try and make an entry here, but have nothing to say really. Even though she is with other people, she just feels lonely.

Surprise

Day by day this one is surprising herself as to how her sexuality is becoming deeper and darker. It was wonderful to have been able to receive some valuable private time with Master, which was, hmmm, how can one put it...very interesting to say the least. She was amazed how far she has been able to go with a k9, though still has a way to go, she feels. Saturday night she thought the dog was getting more and more excited while this one masturbated herself as well as using a sexual aid (bullets). He would sit there, panting hard as if he was going to pounce upon this one at any moment. While tora watched, her slave heat was burning more and more, higher and higher. She felt her juices flow slow at first then become stronger as she stroked and petted the dog. Near the end the dog came closer, above her head, which is when this one tried to taste his genitalia. She came close but he moved before she could try, only to make this one more aroused, wanting him so badly as well as craving to please her Master who was watching what was going on. knowing she was being watched aroused her even more,knowing her Master was being pleased and enjoying His girl learning more about herself as well as He.
It was also wonderful to be able to have a room to go to so she could strip off and feel free without restricting clothing. She felt vulnerable in front of her Master, as she has always disliked her own body, not being slim, she has always had a complexity about herself. Her Master likes the more fuller woman, which she is slowly beginning to learn that she needs to accept that it is her Masters desires, wants, needs and cravings which she needs to remember that counts. In time she knows her confidence will be higher and her focus stronger, so she will succeed in all things, just as her Master desires.

Realisation

This one is full with happiness and joy over what she achieved last night. At first she really did not want to do anything but go to sleep and was fighting to stay awake, but she bit the bullet and obeyed her Master. She experimented more with taz, petting him, stroking his cock, coaxing him with her bullets which were covered in her own nectar. It was a real big turn on to watch him enjoy her taste as he lapped with eagerness at the bullets. She tried to get him close to her pussy, feeling his breath upon her she felt her slave heat rise and her juices flow with such delight and pleasure she was getting, knowing her Master was being pleased at her actions. Even writing about it is making her slave heat rise, feeling the dampness between her legs.
She is eager to be more pleasing to her Master, as she feels He deserves to have the best, which is what she desires, yearns, craves to become for Him, to be the slave HE wishes and also the one she knows is hiding deep inside, though step by step it becomes more prominent.
She finds herself thinking of Our life together,more and more. How happy her Master will be, as well as herself.
All she needs to to is trust and obey His commands, requests. She know she is truly loved and shall always be His. This one knows He will NEVER leave her, NEVER harm her and NEVER stop loving her, this she is so sure about. Knowing this she is finding it easier to give of herself in a more deeper way.
For the first time, last night she realised just what the Slaves Creed means to her. She is in the right place, with the right Person, doing what is right for Us both.

He is Master, I am slave,
He is Owner, I am owned,
He commands and I obey,
He is to be pleased, I am to be pleasing.
Why is this?
Because He is my Master and I am His slave

This one loves her Master so deeply, so much and knows it shall ever get stronger and deeper for years to come.
She longs to be in the strong arms of her Master, she craves to be with Him in person, in service to Him, now and forevermore.

Step By Step

After taking a much needed walk, this one's mind is now a little clearer about who and what she is, and is to come. She has a lot of learning to do, which she is finding a little hard in some areas. It is difficult to remember that it is not just the sexual aspects which her Master desires from her, but the whole package. She feels that once the training in this area has been developed more, she shall see new topics being added, the light as well as the dark.
The light she is yet to see in its fullest, but she knows that everyone has to begin somewhere. If she can cope with the dark side of the Master/slave relationship, then she knows she will be able to find dealing with the light, a breeze.
Focus and confidence are two main things which she is having a problem with, though she feels they shall become easier as time goes by. She truly hopes that her Master can be as patient as she feels He can be, as this one knows that there will be many times that the walls will spring back up, perhaps even without her realising such. She is thinking that she needs to deal with these two topics first and foremost, before these walls can be knocked down and cleared, once and for all. Maybe she knows not how to begin such difficult tasks, as she sees them, but she does know that, at the right time, she will overcome such barriers she has had for so many years. With the focus and confidence, which will be built, she knows more of the dark as well as the light shall be easier to accomplish.

Realisation

Finally beginning to realise just how much this one means to Master. It is of a love much deeper than she can ever imagine, ever dream about, but one of much felt warmth and happiness like nothing she has ever felt before in her life. Just when she thinks that love can not get any deeper, something happens to make her think otherwise. She is excited to know of her own new found feelings and pray that they shall continue to grow ever deeper and ever stronger. Her love for her Master has no measure and shall ever will flow on and on.
She knows she will have to end her relationship with her husband, yet she also has a lot of love and feelings for him still. Even after all he has done and all that he lacks, this one's love is strong, though not as strong as her love for her Master.
How can one love two people as much as she does, surely this cannot be possible. Still, she finds herself in the middle of a very difficult decision as she wishes not to hurt anyone, but knows she will hurt one, being her husband. Lord, please help her find the right time to sort out this mess she finds herself in.
Day by day the bond between Master and slave are becoming ever stronger and deeper, to a point that this one feels it shall be hard to break if not impossible to do such. She finds herself craving for His touch, His love, His voice, His commands, His presence, His silenc. Everything He is she craves to serve Him, in all ways, both what she knows and what she is yet to learn.
She craves to learn more and more, she is eager to gain knowledge in everything she is able to.
It has been surprising how much this one has learned about herself, not only in a day to day way of life but also in a sexual capacity.
She could only dream about her deepest darkest thoughts and desires in the past, but now she feels so free as she is allowed and is expected to shared all with her Master. It also surprises this one that her Master is as deep and dark as she is, if not deeper and darker. She craves to learn more about the dark as well as the light. Just wish it would slow down a little.
She has noticed that in a way things have slowed down ever so slowy after the past couple of days, though she thinks it is because of what she has been going through and Master has been wanting to just be here for her and pushing her too much. With the things getting lighter, she feels that the time will come when her Master will begin pushing again in a sexual way, which she is scared about. Scared about finding out just how dark this one can crave and desire, though also excited and eager all at the same time.
Watching Masters videos as He sleeps are really turning her on in a mighty way though unable to do anything about it as she is not alone (dammit). The parts with dogs and horses, the anime...mmmms...she is so so wet as she imagines herself in the place of the females involved. She craves to taste and receive all kinds of cock...be it Human or animal, big or small, fat or thin, she just desires to be a cock sucking whore she knows she is deep inside. She also desires to love pussy even more, as well as to find out what it is like for a female to use and abuse this one. Sound like this one is a freak? Who cares? This one used to care what others think, but to a point, she no longer thinks like that, except family. They do not and shall not know about this ones way of living as they would not understand or listen to understand.

One Chapter Ends as Another Begins

It has been two weeks today since the passing of this ones grandad. Things have been rather emotional with her family and this one trying to stay strong and not showing her own feelings. Friday we had a real good send off for him and a lot of the family were present. One thinks there must have been around fifty of us who turned up and had a real good time. It was not a usual service, as right from the start as soon as this one heard the music upon entry, she began to chuckle which started off a few other people. It just cascaded from there and the only tears which were shed were tears of laughter, just how Grandad would have liked.
Today was the day we scattered Grandads ashes where his wife's (this ones Nan) ashes were scattered twenty-six years ago. This one thought she would have shed a few tears, but none came. Will she ever grieve, or will she just carry on the way she has been? Happy to know that Nan and Grandad are now finally together after being apart for so many years.
It was good to be able to quickly talk to her hubby and Master,just letting them know how things went so they would not worry about this one, or maybe not half as much. She thinks They were very happy to hear from this one knowing all went well.
Well, with this episode over, she feels it is time to begin to seriously think more about how she feels and what she truly wants and needs.
Now the nicer weather is slowly starting to come, she is looking forward to going out for her nature walks and who knows, she may even be able to put pen to paper and write some poetry or even some erotic stories, just like she used to.
There is so much to think about and sort out in her mind. One step at a time, one day at a time and at the right time things shall begin to work out and look much clearer once she is able to lift the clouds from her mind and able to concentrate on the important topics.
She is still trying to comprehend how she can be falling more in love with someone who she has only known for a few months (if that), yet still deeply love her husband. How can this be? Why is this happening to her? What is she supposed to be learning from this? Maybe the answers shall be found, once her mind begins to become less clouded.

Not much to say...or willing to say

Nothing much to say at this time but was told to make an entry so here it is.
Just listening to her music and remembering the good times she used to have, hoping there shall be many more in her future. Bad times still play on her mind but she hopes she will be able to deal with each one one step at a time.
Sometimes she feels she is being pushed into some things she feels she is not ready to do at this moment. At the right time and not a moment before, she will deal with each one.
She knows she will be asked what is on her mind and what does she feel needs to be sorted out so will answer them here.
She wishes not to talk about such things at this moment as she does not feel ready to talk about them. She prays You have trust and patience in her, as she will open up when she is ready, not when she feels she is being pushed to do such. If You want her to run away then carry on pushing her, because she will run.
It's all about the Master...yes this is true but a slave is also human and has their way of dealing with things. Do Not Push Her About Her Past or Present Problems.

Something To Believe In.

After talking to her Master about a few things yesterday, this one is feeling in a better mind frame as well as feeling much more in love with Him.
It is still early days and there is a lot more yet to find out about one another. This one is very excited to be traveling along this chosen path with such a loving, caring and understanding Master such as He.
He makes her laugh in the small funny things He says. He makes her think upon many deep, dark and wonderful things, as well as ponder upon her everyday life, to which she needs to remember it is not her own life anymore, but it belongs to her One true Master. She needs to understand that when she is hurting, He hurts also, when she is happy so is He. She knows she needs to open up more to Him, to share all that she is and shall be with Him. Though finding it difficult to do such, she is finding it easier each day as we continue to communicate more to one another.
She just wishes that the sexual side would be a little less for conversation as, even though she knows now it is not how she was thinking it was, it is still hard, at times, to understand that it is not just the sexual He learns from asking such questions.
She must learn to confide and trust in Him more, though she knows that as we both spend time together, the more respect and trust shall be earned from both sides. Her love for Him grows at a rapid pace, so much so it scares this lil one to death at times, which is when she feels like running and hiding away from not just Him but from everyone around her.
She has no privacy where she resides at this moment, so she is finding things much harder to deal with. Even the most *innocent* of conversations seem hard as there are people around her who look over her shoulders and sometimes she is not quick enough to minimise things which she wishes no one else to see. It is also difficult as no one knows of her chosen way of living, as she knows they would not understand, or listen to the reasons why. They would judge her on her every move even more so than they do now.
She longs to be with her true Master, her heart craves to be with Him to serve and love Him even more, beyond her wildest and not so wildest dreams. Being a part of a Gorean household will not be easy at times, though as along as she sticks with it, continues to love, honour, obey and serve her Master in all things, she will grow much more stronger and more beautiful than even she can dream of.
Her heart, mind and body belongs to her Master, which makes her feel excited yet nervous of the unknown. She feels, though it may not be as easy as One thinks, He may even have her soul, in time.
Master has given this one a new beginning, a new life, something to believe in after many years of not really knowing who or what she was or where she was going.
Everywhere she searched, even though she has been happy she always felt there was something missing. With her Master she knows there shall be nothing missing and we shall be complete, as a couple in the Master/slave life as well as individually as a person.
Her mind is becoming more open as it has ever been. Her body shivers and gets excited every time she is with her Master. Her feelings and thoughts become more and more deeper and she knows she is more in love with Him then she is with her own husband.

















To be at Your feet is where she craves to be,
Serving You in all things naturally,
To bring out the very best in You,
Her service ever stronger and ever true.

Her deepest dreams becoming reality,
Living the life she is meant to be,
A new beginning, a brand new start,
Now and eternity, we shall never part.

Master You are real to me,
In all she feels, thinks and sees,
Belonging to You, forevermore,
Her obedience to You is ever sure.

Times they are a-changing,
Her life You're rearranging,
In thought and deed, in heart and soul,
To grow more beautiful and reach the goal.

She loves You Master, it's plain to see,
Forever Yours she shall be.

Always in service to You.

Yours forever

Tora

(poem dedicated to her Master - Last Samurai)

Aint Never Gonna Be The Same

Since returning to her homeland four months ago, it has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Leaving her husband back in his homeland left her half empty and confused in trying to understand the happenings over the past year or so.
Feelings for her husband are slowly dwindling to a small flicker of a flame, whilst she is also feeling her fire burning within through now belonging to another, a true Gorean Master. One who understands every detail of her life. Confusion of having love for two people, yet understanding of why she is falling in love with another.
The last month or so has been filled with every kind of emotion one can ever think of. Things are going too fast with herself and her new Master. Things which took years to trust and share are now only taking days, if that.
Matters not what one thinks about, or where she goes, she is unable to get her mind of the Master she now craves to serve in all things, scarey huh?