No Going Back

Today she told hubby it was over as she is fed up of being second fiddle to bull such as games on a certain site. His messages getting later and later, if at all and just peeved of all the excuses he has been giving her for the past 18 months. This one can understand a coupld of problems every now and then, but when they become a daily occurence then one must know that there is something not quite right. It has only taken this one 18 months to realise just what is happening, even though many people have been saying that he is just saying what this one wants to hear. Well, enough is enough and she is taking no more bull from him. Was a little taken aback when all he had to say was *whatever* He has been talking to this one better since she has told him she has had enough and said it is over. This will not change a thing as once she has said something and/or made up her mind, that is it, no going back.

Think Before One Speaks

Sometimes one has difficulties in expressing herself in a slave-like manner. Why is it that she uses a tone she really wishes not to. Just because Mother Nature may be arriving, does not give her an exuse to behave in a way that may be unpleasing to her Master. She needs to try harder to think before she speaks, and use the correct soft tone which she feels is expected of her at all times. No matter how hard it may seem, she must learn to control her speech. This one must remember that her Master does not deserve to hear such harshness from her, it is not He whom she has a problem with.
She feels there are some things which are not needed to be shared and her bad moods are one of them.
Still struggling with being torn between Church and the chosen path she has decided to live, she is unsure what to do. One things is clear though and that she knows she must make time each day to read and study her bible, pray and spend time with her Lord. She must also remember that studying what her Master desires is also of great importance, even though she may not want to admit it, she knows it is for her best interest that she must try harder and not be so darn rebellious like she has been doing for a while now.

Just Ranting

When a Master says that He wants to control the whole slave,mind, body, heart and soul, do they really mean that they want to control 100%? For example, do they really want to be in control of the body, not in the sexual sense, but of the natural sense. Would they really want to control the slave when she is going through the menstrual cycle. Do they truly want to help them conquer the mood swings, the bitchiness, or do they just go and hide and wait until the periodical is over, then come back and control the body in a sexual way again. In this ones opinion, if Master wants the whole slave, then He will have to want the bad as well as good and deal with everything accordingly. Why do they always leave the slave to try and deal with the emotions and hormones on their own. Seems like they do not wish to take that problem away from the slave, so they cannot say they are in control 100% because the slave has to try, somehow, even when she knows not how to, to deal with this problem, on her own. Hmmmmmm, Masters huh....who needs em.

Just Another Day

Went for a walk this morning, took taz over the park on the way to the post office. The park was fairly quiet with only three or four other dog walkers. Taz had the time of his life, going up to the other dogs and playing with them. As one was watching, her feelings for taz became stronger, feeling a strong bond forming even more. Her craving to please her Master is also becoming stronger and deeper, wanting to go as far with taz as is possible. She often wonders about how he tastes and feels as well as how he would react to this one touching him and tasting him.
We went to the post office to get a few things done, before returning home walking again over the park. When we arrived back it was funny that neither of us were missed, no one realised we had even been out, until this one paid for her keep.
Hoping to find her passport today and go to the library, so she will be able to find some books and/or more information about education, so she will be able to better herself and be a success for her Master as well as herself.
This one so much wants to be pleasing in the deepest ways for her Master and she is missing Him so much as she has not spoken to Him since last night. The love for each other is growing day by day. She is amazed just how much in love she can be with one person in such a short amount of time. It has only been a few months and she finds herself wondering just how much love she could have inside her, craving to come out and be free.

Feeling Lonely

Feeling kinda lonely this afternoon even though she is in Master's presence. He seems to be busy with more important matters and we are barely talking. Thought she would try and make an entry here, but have nothing to say really. Even though she is with other people, she just feels lonely.

Surprise

Day by day this one is surprising herself as to how her sexuality is becoming deeper and darker. It was wonderful to have been able to receive some valuable private time with Master, which was, hmmm, how can one put it...very interesting to say the least. She was amazed how far she has been able to go with a k9, though still has a way to go, she feels. Saturday night she thought the dog was getting more and more excited while this one masturbated herself as well as using a sexual aid (bullets). He would sit there, panting hard as if he was going to pounce upon this one at any moment. While tora watched, her slave heat was burning more and more, higher and higher. She felt her juices flow slow at first then become stronger as she stroked and petted the dog. Near the end the dog came closer, above her head, which is when this one tried to taste his genitalia. She came close but he moved before she could try, only to make this one more aroused, wanting him so badly as well as craving to please her Master who was watching what was going on. knowing she was being watched aroused her even more,knowing her Master was being pleased and enjoying His girl learning more about herself as well as He.
It was also wonderful to be able to have a room to go to so she could strip off and feel free without restricting clothing. She felt vulnerable in front of her Master, as she has always disliked her own body, not being slim, she has always had a complexity about herself. Her Master likes the more fuller woman, which she is slowly beginning to learn that she needs to accept that it is her Masters desires, wants, needs and cravings which she needs to remember that counts. In time she knows her confidence will be higher and her focus stronger, so she will succeed in all things, just as her Master desires.

Realisation

This one is full with happiness and joy over what she achieved last night. At first she really did not want to do anything but go to sleep and was fighting to stay awake, but she bit the bullet and obeyed her Master. She experimented more with taz, petting him, stroking his cock, coaxing him with her bullets which were covered in her own nectar. It was a real big turn on to watch him enjoy her taste as he lapped with eagerness at the bullets. She tried to get him close to her pussy, feeling his breath upon her she felt her slave heat rise and her juices flow with such delight and pleasure she was getting, knowing her Master was being pleased at her actions. Even writing about it is making her slave heat rise, feeling the dampness between her legs.
She is eager to be more pleasing to her Master, as she feels He deserves to have the best, which is what she desires, yearns, craves to become for Him, to be the slave HE wishes and also the one she knows is hiding deep inside, though step by step it becomes more prominent.
She finds herself thinking of Our life together,more and more. How happy her Master will be, as well as herself.
All she needs to to is trust and obey His commands, requests. She know she is truly loved and shall always be His. This one knows He will NEVER leave her, NEVER harm her and NEVER stop loving her, this she is so sure about. Knowing this she is finding it easier to give of herself in a more deeper way.
For the first time, last night she realised just what the Slaves Creed means to her. She is in the right place, with the right Person, doing what is right for Us both.

He is Master, I am slave,
He is Owner, I am owned,
He commands and I obey,
He is to be pleased, I am to be pleasing.
Why is this?
Because He is my Master and I am His slave

This one loves her Master so deeply, so much and knows it shall ever get stronger and deeper for years to come.
She longs to be in the strong arms of her Master, she craves to be with Him in person, in service to Him, now and forevermore.

Step By Step

After taking a much needed walk, this one's mind is now a little clearer about who and what she is, and is to come. She has a lot of learning to do, which she is finding a little hard in some areas. It is difficult to remember that it is not just the sexual aspects which her Master desires from her, but the whole package. She feels that once the training in this area has been developed more, she shall see new topics being added, the light as well as the dark.
The light she is yet to see in its fullest, but she knows that everyone has to begin somewhere. If she can cope with the dark side of the Master/slave relationship, then she knows she will be able to find dealing with the light, a breeze.
Focus and confidence are two main things which she is having a problem with, though she feels they shall become easier as time goes by. She truly hopes that her Master can be as patient as she feels He can be, as this one knows that there will be many times that the walls will spring back up, perhaps even without her realising such. She is thinking that she needs to deal with these two topics first and foremost, before these walls can be knocked down and cleared, once and for all. Maybe she knows not how to begin such difficult tasks, as she sees them, but she does know that, at the right time, she will overcome such barriers she has had for so many years. With the focus and confidence, which will be built, she knows more of the dark as well as the light shall be easier to accomplish.

Realisation

Finally beginning to realise just how much this one means to Master. It is of a love much deeper than she can ever imagine, ever dream about, but one of much felt warmth and happiness like nothing she has ever felt before in her life. Just when she thinks that love can not get any deeper, something happens to make her think otherwise. She is excited to know of her own new found feelings and pray that they shall continue to grow ever deeper and ever stronger. Her love for her Master has no measure and shall ever will flow on and on.
She knows she will have to end her relationship with her husband, yet she also has a lot of love and feelings for him still. Even after all he has done and all that he lacks, this one's love is strong, though not as strong as her love for her Master.
How can one love two people as much as she does, surely this cannot be possible. Still, she finds herself in the middle of a very difficult decision as she wishes not to hurt anyone, but knows she will hurt one, being her husband. Lord, please help her find the right time to sort out this mess she finds herself in.
Day by day the bond between Master and slave are becoming ever stronger and deeper, to a point that this one feels it shall be hard to break if not impossible to do such. She finds herself craving for His touch, His love, His voice, His commands, His presence, His silenc. Everything He is she craves to serve Him, in all ways, both what she knows and what she is yet to learn.
She craves to learn more and more, she is eager to gain knowledge in everything she is able to.
It has been surprising how much this one has learned about herself, not only in a day to day way of life but also in a sexual capacity.
She could only dream about her deepest darkest thoughts and desires in the past, but now she feels so free as she is allowed and is expected to shared all with her Master. It also surprises this one that her Master is as deep and dark as she is, if not deeper and darker. She craves to learn more about the dark as well as the light. Just wish it would slow down a little.
She has noticed that in a way things have slowed down ever so slowy after the past couple of days, though she thinks it is because of what she has been going through and Master has been wanting to just be here for her and pushing her too much. With the things getting lighter, she feels that the time will come when her Master will begin pushing again in a sexual way, which she is scared about. Scared about finding out just how dark this one can crave and desire, though also excited and eager all at the same time.
Watching Masters videos as He sleeps are really turning her on in a mighty way though unable to do anything about it as she is not alone (dammit). The parts with dogs and horses, the anime...mmmms...she is so so wet as she imagines herself in the place of the females involved. She craves to taste and receive all kinds of cock...be it Human or animal, big or small, fat or thin, she just desires to be a cock sucking whore she knows she is deep inside. She also desires to love pussy even more, as well as to find out what it is like for a female to use and abuse this one. Sound like this one is a freak? Who cares? This one used to care what others think, but to a point, she no longer thinks like that, except family. They do not and shall not know about this ones way of living as they would not understand or listen to understand.

One Chapter Ends as Another Begins

It has been two weeks today since the passing of this ones grandad. Things have been rather emotional with her family and this one trying to stay strong and not showing her own feelings. Friday we had a real good send off for him and a lot of the family were present. One thinks there must have been around fifty of us who turned up and had a real good time. It was not a usual service, as right from the start as soon as this one heard the music upon entry, she began to chuckle which started off a few other people. It just cascaded from there and the only tears which were shed were tears of laughter, just how Grandad would have liked.
Today was the day we scattered Grandads ashes where his wife's (this ones Nan) ashes were scattered twenty-six years ago. This one thought she would have shed a few tears, but none came. Will she ever grieve, or will she just carry on the way she has been? Happy to know that Nan and Grandad are now finally together after being apart for so many years.
It was good to be able to quickly talk to her hubby and Master,just letting them know how things went so they would not worry about this one, or maybe not half as much. She thinks They were very happy to hear from this one knowing all went well.
Well, with this episode over, she feels it is time to begin to seriously think more about how she feels and what she truly wants and needs.
Now the nicer weather is slowly starting to come, she is looking forward to going out for her nature walks and who knows, she may even be able to put pen to paper and write some poetry or even some erotic stories, just like she used to.
There is so much to think about and sort out in her mind. One step at a time, one day at a time and at the right time things shall begin to work out and look much clearer once she is able to lift the clouds from her mind and able to concentrate on the important topics.
She is still trying to comprehend how she can be falling more in love with someone who she has only known for a few months (if that), yet still deeply love her husband. How can this be? Why is this happening to her? What is she supposed to be learning from this? Maybe the answers shall be found, once her mind begins to become less clouded.

Not much to say...or willing to say

Nothing much to say at this time but was told to make an entry so here it is.
Just listening to her music and remembering the good times she used to have, hoping there shall be many more in her future. Bad times still play on her mind but she hopes she will be able to deal with each one one step at a time.
Sometimes she feels she is being pushed into some things she feels she is not ready to do at this moment. At the right time and not a moment before, she will deal with each one.
She knows she will be asked what is on her mind and what does she feel needs to be sorted out so will answer them here.
She wishes not to talk about such things at this moment as she does not feel ready to talk about them. She prays You have trust and patience in her, as she will open up when she is ready, not when she feels she is being pushed to do such. If You want her to run away then carry on pushing her, because she will run.
It's all about the Master...yes this is true but a slave is also human and has their way of dealing with things. Do Not Push Her About Her Past or Present Problems.

Something To Believe In.

After talking to her Master about a few things yesterday, this one is feeling in a better mind frame as well as feeling much more in love with Him.
It is still early days and there is a lot more yet to find out about one another. This one is very excited to be traveling along this chosen path with such a loving, caring and understanding Master such as He.
He makes her laugh in the small funny things He says. He makes her think upon many deep, dark and wonderful things, as well as ponder upon her everyday life, to which she needs to remember it is not her own life anymore, but it belongs to her One true Master. She needs to understand that when she is hurting, He hurts also, when she is happy so is He. She knows she needs to open up more to Him, to share all that she is and shall be with Him. Though finding it difficult to do such, she is finding it easier each day as we continue to communicate more to one another.
She just wishes that the sexual side would be a little less for conversation as, even though she knows now it is not how she was thinking it was, it is still hard, at times, to understand that it is not just the sexual He learns from asking such questions.
She must learn to confide and trust in Him more, though she knows that as we both spend time together, the more respect and trust shall be earned from both sides. Her love for Him grows at a rapid pace, so much so it scares this lil one to death at times, which is when she feels like running and hiding away from not just Him but from everyone around her.
She has no privacy where she resides at this moment, so she is finding things much harder to deal with. Even the most *innocent* of conversations seem hard as there are people around her who look over her shoulders and sometimes she is not quick enough to minimise things which she wishes no one else to see. It is also difficult as no one knows of her chosen way of living, as she knows they would not understand, or listen to the reasons why. They would judge her on her every move even more so than they do now.
She longs to be with her true Master, her heart craves to be with Him to serve and love Him even more, beyond her wildest and not so wildest dreams. Being a part of a Gorean household will not be easy at times, though as along as she sticks with it, continues to love, honour, obey and serve her Master in all things, she will grow much more stronger and more beautiful than even she can dream of.
Her heart, mind and body belongs to her Master, which makes her feel excited yet nervous of the unknown. She feels, though it may not be as easy as One thinks, He may even have her soul, in time.
Master has given this one a new beginning, a new life, something to believe in after many years of not really knowing who or what she was or where she was going.
Everywhere she searched, even though she has been happy she always felt there was something missing. With her Master she knows there shall be nothing missing and we shall be complete, as a couple in the Master/slave life as well as individually as a person.
Her mind is becoming more open as it has ever been. Her body shivers and gets excited every time she is with her Master. Her feelings and thoughts become more and more deeper and she knows she is more in love with Him then she is with her own husband.

















To be at Your feet is where she craves to be,
Serving You in all things naturally,
To bring out the very best in You,
Her service ever stronger and ever true.

Her deepest dreams becoming reality,
Living the life she is meant to be,
A new beginning, a brand new start,
Now and eternity, we shall never part.

Master You are real to me,
In all she feels, thinks and sees,
Belonging to You, forevermore,
Her obedience to You is ever sure.

Times they are a-changing,
Her life You're rearranging,
In thought and deed, in heart and soul,
To grow more beautiful and reach the goal.

She loves You Master, it's plain to see,
Forever Yours she shall be.

Always in service to You.

Yours forever

Tora

(poem dedicated to her Master - Last Samurai)

Aint Never Gonna Be The Same

Since returning to her homeland four months ago, it has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Leaving her husband back in his homeland left her half empty and confused in trying to understand the happenings over the past year or so.
Feelings for her husband are slowly dwindling to a small flicker of a flame, whilst she is also feeling her fire burning within through now belonging to another, a true Gorean Master. One who understands every detail of her life. Confusion of having love for two people, yet understanding of why she is falling in love with another.
The last month or so has been filled with every kind of emotion one can ever think of. Things are going too fast with herself and her new Master. Things which took years to trust and share are now only taking days, if that.
Matters not what one thinks about, or where she goes, she is unable to get her mind of the Master she now craves to serve in all things, scarey huh?