It was a very pleasant weekend, without having to study, though now another week has begun, one had better knuckle down to her studies so she may be allowed another free weekend, next week. What would have made it better is if Master had been here with me. One knows not if he really knows how much he is missed when he is not here, though she is understandable in his reasons for being absent, due to being ill. He worries tora so much and she hopes and prays he will be feeling much better soon. One is also concerned about her sister, for reasons she is unable to share at this time as she feels it is up to her sister to mention these things to Master, why should this one have to tell him all the time.....sighs.
Well better go and study for a while, before she has to wake up her Master. She hopes Master has been able to rest well and feels better when he awakes.
Monday, 31 August 2009
Friday, 28 August 2009
Short Note
I do worry about Master, now I hve heard he had an accident on his bike, luckily he only hurt his foot, if one can call it lucky, it could have been much worse. How I wish I was there to look after him in all of his needs, it saddens and upset me that he is alone at home, in his bed, without no one to snuggle up to, no one to be there, in person for him. I so wish I could find a job so I could save a little and get to him sooner, rather than later, but alas the work is hard to find.
Tried to do more on the forum earlier, but her concentration was just not cutting it, so she read for a while, about dances and thought about how much she really does want to be everything a slave should be.
Have been distracted a lot as the bikes are on, and Master knows all too well what one is like about motorcycle racing. So, this is a short entry as I am unable to focus. Going to watch the bikes
Tried to do more on the forum earlier, but her concentration was just not cutting it, so she read for a while, about dances and thought about how much she really does want to be everything a slave should be.
Have been distracted a lot as the bikes are on, and Master knows all too well what one is like about motorcycle racing. So, this is a short entry as I am unable to focus. Going to watch the bikes
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Overtired
For no consciously known reason, one had a night of no sleep at all. Closing down the computer, she lay down and tossed and turned for almost an hour. It was not due to not getting comfortable, as she was rather so, considering she sleeps on the couch. Just unable to sleep and knows not why...sighs.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Just a Note
Had a long walk this morning, went to the study centre and enquired about the free courses I wish to take. Hoping to receive the disc I need by the end of next week maximum. As soon as I get that I can log in to the online account and begin...woo hoo.
My worries were over when Master came online and talked to me for a while before going to sleep earlier. I was worrying about him more than i hope i have let onto him. Have not done much today, but Master has put me back in my place and I have to focus on what I have to do for Him before I go and do things for myself. Though also for Master, in a round about way.
Not much to say as I havent done much....lol
I kow he will say dont, but i will worry about Master, no matter what. I only wish I was there, with him in person to help out. Maybe not by much but I can at least keep an eye on him....smiles
My worries were over when Master came online and talked to me for a while before going to sleep earlier. I was worrying about him more than i hope i have let onto him. Have not done much today, but Master has put me back in my place and I have to focus on what I have to do for Him before I go and do things for myself. Though also for Master, in a round about way.
Not much to say as I havent done much....lol
I kow he will say dont, but i will worry about Master, no matter what. I only wish I was there, with him in person to help out. Maybe not by much but I can at least keep an eye on him....smiles
Monday, 24 August 2009
Good Day
The morning was off to a bad start as tora could not wait for Master to come online. Needing to be out of the house by 10.30am she waited as late as she possibly dare. Master did forewarn her that he may have to work some long hours this week to get things done, so she was not that upset, but misses him dearly when he is not around. Even if we do not talk, just to be in his presence is a blessing and privelege to be in, to which tora is always greatful.
Well no need to go to the jobcentre next Master, as it is Bank Holiday, so needs not go there until two weeks, which means she shall not be going to her Dad's until that day.
Had a good time at Dad's though the girls decided to have a fight, which ended up in the older of the two to be grounded for a week and sent to her room. That is something this one never had done to her, she was never grounded. Yes, she did things wrong, but when she did she got the belt to her tush, if not a fat lip, or thrown across the room. Oh to have been grounded, would have been much kinder.
Did not return home until 6.30pm and spent half an hour to have a cuppa and catch up on her Mum's day as it was her first day off from work. Think there was talk of Mum and step-dad going out for the day while Mum is on a break from work, though knows not where or when, will have to keep a listen out *smiles*
Younger brother was using his laptop,which tora usually uses so took the opportunity to have a good soak in the bath, her only time to relax a little without any disturbance. During this time, she went through her positions (which counts as study, she hopes...lol), like she usually does while waiting for the bath to fill up with water. There is nothing quite like a hot bubble bath, oh how she really enjoys her bathtimes, just wishes she had some scented candles or oils to burn as they are really soothing.
Managed to get online about 7.50pm so as anyone can see, she has not been online long. Shall try to get some study done, though also wishes to get her files placed on her flash drive (which she used her last bit of money to get, and still has over a week before she gets paid).
She also needs to get some work done on SL, but she knows her studies are a priority, so will see as the evening goes.
Well no need to go to the jobcentre next Master, as it is Bank Holiday, so needs not go there until two weeks, which means she shall not be going to her Dad's until that day.
Had a good time at Dad's though the girls decided to have a fight, which ended up in the older of the two to be grounded for a week and sent to her room. That is something this one never had done to her, she was never grounded. Yes, she did things wrong, but when she did she got the belt to her tush, if not a fat lip, or thrown across the room. Oh to have been grounded, would have been much kinder.
Did not return home until 6.30pm and spent half an hour to have a cuppa and catch up on her Mum's day as it was her first day off from work. Think there was talk of Mum and step-dad going out for the day while Mum is on a break from work, though knows not where or when, will have to keep a listen out *smiles*
Younger brother was using his laptop,which tora usually uses so took the opportunity to have a good soak in the bath, her only time to relax a little without any disturbance. During this time, she went through her positions (which counts as study, she hopes...lol), like she usually does while waiting for the bath to fill up with water. There is nothing quite like a hot bubble bath, oh how she really enjoys her bathtimes, just wishes she had some scented candles or oils to burn as they are really soothing.
Managed to get online about 7.50pm so as anyone can see, she has not been online long. Shall try to get some study done, though also wishes to get her files placed on her flash drive (which she used her last bit of money to get, and still has over a week before she gets paid).
She also needs to get some work done on SL, but she knows her studies are a priority, so will see as the evening goes.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
To Be or Not To Be
After having to make up for not doing what was expected of her the other day, tora studied for a couple of hours today, reading more about the Gorean foods and coins. It is her hope that the first set of studies shall be entered into her section upon the forum by the end of this coming week.
She finished catching up with her FB accounts then spent some time on Second Life. Went into the same place as she did when thalia invited one to join her. Had a lengthy talk to the owner and ask this one to ask Master if He remembers the Master using the same name DarkRaven Ninetails. This one has been honest with answering the questions put to her and tora has some concerns about thalia, as she is stating that the Master who *owns* her on sl also owns her in real time. When this one said that we had the same Masters in reality and mentioned the name LastSamurai, it seems there was some confusion, which is when she found out about the *Master* thing. Wonder if my Master knows of this. Dreading for Master to read this entry because of the aforementioned topic, which she feels if not knows will make Him mad, which would mean she may not have as much time with Him when He wakes due to having to deal with thalia, perhaps. Wish sis was open and honest with Master, it is not fair on Him, or her and it is not fair on tora either.
Have been asked to be *sold and trained* in the room owned by the above mentioned Master, but she stepped back a little and explained about my Master and i being real. They tried to reassure her that it is not a real sale as what is real stays real and what is sl stays on sl. This is something tora is unable to comprehend as to her her real and online Master are One and the same. It would be nice to meet and talk to other Goreans, Free and slaves alike, but if Master says no, then that is it and one will beg Master to help her find or recomend somewhere else she may go while Master is sleeping. Nearing the end of tora's time on sl, as she went to eat, realising she was three hours late in doing so, she saw thalia enter the room. One has been given a landmark card so she can easily return there, if she is allowed to after speaking to Master, if tora feels it is worth returning.
Read Masters latest entry in His diary and really felt for Him as His day has been utterly hectic and by the sound of things so shall this coming week. This one worries about Master as much if not more than He worries about tora. Reading the final part made her beam a smile and chuckle as Master speaks highly of this one. Yes Master, she is sure that You shall end her fears and nightmares, this she has no doubt. Knowing how much Master has brought tora thus far, she can know in her heart that her Master will bring her out of this problem she finds herself in and He shall bring her out, turning things around, letting her know there is beauty and love in this, instead of turmoil and despair. It may take a while, but tora knows, hand on heart, that her Master will never let her down and will always have her best interests at heart. Thank You Master.
She finished catching up with her FB accounts then spent some time on Second Life. Went into the same place as she did when thalia invited one to join her. Had a lengthy talk to the owner and ask this one to ask Master if He remembers the Master using the same name DarkRaven Ninetails. This one has been honest with answering the questions put to her and tora has some concerns about thalia, as she is stating that the Master who *owns* her on sl also owns her in real time. When this one said that we had the same Masters in reality and mentioned the name LastSamurai, it seems there was some confusion, which is when she found out about the *Master* thing. Wonder if my Master knows of this. Dreading for Master to read this entry because of the aforementioned topic, which she feels if not knows will make Him mad, which would mean she may not have as much time with Him when He wakes due to having to deal with thalia, perhaps. Wish sis was open and honest with Master, it is not fair on Him, or her and it is not fair on tora either.
Have been asked to be *sold and trained* in the room owned by the above mentioned Master, but she stepped back a little and explained about my Master and i being real. They tried to reassure her that it is not a real sale as what is real stays real and what is sl stays on sl. This is something tora is unable to comprehend as to her her real and online Master are One and the same. It would be nice to meet and talk to other Goreans, Free and slaves alike, but if Master says no, then that is it and one will beg Master to help her find or recomend somewhere else she may go while Master is sleeping. Nearing the end of tora's time on sl, as she went to eat, realising she was three hours late in doing so, she saw thalia enter the room. One has been given a landmark card so she can easily return there, if she is allowed to after speaking to Master, if tora feels it is worth returning.
Read Masters latest entry in His diary and really felt for Him as His day has been utterly hectic and by the sound of things so shall this coming week. This one worries about Master as much if not more than He worries about tora. Reading the final part made her beam a smile and chuckle as Master speaks highly of this one. Yes Master, she is sure that You shall end her fears and nightmares, this she has no doubt. Knowing how much Master has brought tora thus far, she can know in her heart that her Master will bring her out of this problem she finds herself in and He shall bring her out, turning things around, letting her know there is beauty and love in this, instead of turmoil and despair. It may take a while, but tora knows, hand on heart, that her Master will never let her down and will always have her best interests at heart. Thank You Master.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Broken Chains
Have tried my best to study today, but with a certain someone on my mind, it has been a struggle. When no more could be taken, one made the phone call and spent a long while talking to him, trying to make it believeable that there were options open to us, but at the end of the phone call, he put the phone down on me, so that is that. Five years of my life gone, woosh, bye bye. I was going to say they were wasted, but that would be a lie, there were very good times, though there were also some very bad times. Now i need time for this to sink in and know it is finally over and if he wants friendship that is fine by me, but if not, then that is also fine, as I know I have some One and something much better now. Some One who want lie, who wont go behind my back and do horrible things, some One i can trust and be myself with, totally. Some One who is not going to belittle me, and make out I am useless, some One who is strong enough to protect me, not just physially but mentally too. Something that even my wildest dreams would not even come close to.
Maybe now, i can get on with the rest of my life and hopefully now my stress levels will now be less and focus shall be more.
My heavy chains have now been broken, though i continue to be bound to slavery, my new chains are lighter. In these chains, I am free.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Bad Start, Great Ending??
After a misunderstanding and a time of silence, things slowly began to pick up this morning. It truly upset me to know when Master is not Himself, as girl feels useless unable to help Him being thousands of miles away. As time went by things picked up and it made on happy to know Master went to rest in a much better frame of mind, than the one tora woke up to.
While Master rests, one has made herself busy and did some Gorean studies, placing things upon the forum, as she usually tries to do, little by little. Also did more homework and looked for more pictures, not many more to find now, though some are duplicates as such so shall not bother with those. Also reading her message archive as requested and making mental notes. Tomorrow tora will begin to place a few things upon papaer, of what she wishes to learn more about her Master, though even now, daily she learns a little more about Him, which makes her fall in love with Him more and more.
Must admit, she is feeling rather damo and horny after looking through a lot of pictures, trying to find some good ones to pick from. Knows not why Master has requested this from her, but t is in her Master tora trusts and she is sure she will learn why all in Masters time.
While Master rests, one has made herself busy and did some Gorean studies, placing things upon the forum, as she usually tries to do, little by little. Also did more homework and looked for more pictures, not many more to find now, though some are duplicates as such so shall not bother with those. Also reading her message archive as requested and making mental notes. Tomorrow tora will begin to place a few things upon papaer, of what she wishes to learn more about her Master, though even now, daily she learns a little more about Him, which makes her fall in love with Him more and more.
Must admit, she is feeling rather damo and horny after looking through a lot of pictures, trying to find some good ones to pick from. Knows not why Master has requested this from her, but t is in her Master tora trusts and she is sure she will learn why all in Masters time.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Venting and Observations
If Master thinks i am going to go all black, He has another thing coming.Is He not pleased or happy enough as to what i have already become? sheesh, just cannot please Him these days. As soon as i submit to another thing, He is on about something or someone else, well He can quit it because i will just go back in my shell if not careful. i wish he would give me time to digest the past few months, as i have not had chance to reflect on who i was and who i am now, for God sake slow down, i need time to breathe, sheesh. There are other things for me to learn, i dont and wont learn every small sexual thing all at the same time. About time i was introduced to something away from the sexual stuff, just like Master began to the other night,and stillnot shared everything with me about His past now. Now,i may be wrong, but i feel He has hit a place where he has a problem, or causes Him pain, as He has not volunteered any other information. In time i hope He will be able to trust me with the rest of His past, just as He does His sexual appetite. i have also noticed that He has admitted he has done wrong in His past, but has seemed to glide over it, He does not go into as much detail, like he does when talking about something good He has done. i wonder why. So what is He hiding, what pain is He feeling?
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Loyalties
Being the head girl, or first girl can be almost impossible at times. It takes someone who can take the whip from her Master and hassle and name calling from other slaves in the household. Although tora feels like crap after having to share some details unknown to Him, she knows she has done the right and honourable thing. Above all else, her Master comes first, He is the Head of the household, the owner, the Master, of everything within that household. His responsibilities are more than most people could ever imagine.
When the Master is away, it is the head girls job (if no other Free is present) that the house is run smoothly and all rules are obeyed, at all times. When something goes wrong, she is responsible to report back to her Master. No matter who it involves or what it may be, no matter how she feels about the person, her duties are to report ALL things to Master. The head girl's loyalties are with her Master, as should all His slaves loyalties should be. This said, it still doesnt mean that she doesnt feel crap having to report a beloved sister or brother for doing wrong and she admits it hurts her to do such. If only her sister knew how much it hurt one to mention to Master that she was disrespectful to His name and to His home. It also hurts to know Master has been displeased, more than most would understand.
Since the wrong has been reported, i have heard nothing from my sister, guess she is pissed, but i have to stay strong and stand/kneel by my Master, to be strong and hold my own, sis will either get over it or she won't. i must stay focused and loyal to my Master at all times, in all things.
On a good note though, or i think it is a good note, i have spoken and shared briefly about a little of myself to the Mistress who is very close friend of Masters. i was polite and informative, answered her questions, though when i called her Mistress, i found myself gritting my teeth at first, though she does seem pleasant enough, and i admit i did begin to relax a little. She had to leave but said she would be back within an hour. The Mistress is hoping to talk more with me then. i shall try to stay online for her return, as i know it would please Master.
When the Master is away, it is the head girls job (if no other Free is present) that the house is run smoothly and all rules are obeyed, at all times. When something goes wrong, she is responsible to report back to her Master. No matter who it involves or what it may be, no matter how she feels about the person, her duties are to report ALL things to Master. The head girl's loyalties are with her Master, as should all His slaves loyalties should be. This said, it still doesnt mean that she doesnt feel crap having to report a beloved sister or brother for doing wrong and she admits it hurts her to do such. If only her sister knew how much it hurt one to mention to Master that she was disrespectful to His name and to His home. It also hurts to know Master has been displeased, more than most would understand.
Since the wrong has been reported, i have heard nothing from my sister, guess she is pissed, but i have to stay strong and stand/kneel by my Master, to be strong and hold my own, sis will either get over it or she won't. i must stay focused and loyal to my Master at all times, in all things.
On a good note though, or i think it is a good note, i have spoken and shared briefly about a little of myself to the Mistress who is very close friend of Masters. i was polite and informative, answered her questions, though when i called her Mistress, i found myself gritting my teeth at first, though she does seem pleasant enough, and i admit i did begin to relax a little. She had to leave but said she would be back within an hour. The Mistress is hoping to talk more with me then. i shall try to stay online for her return, as i know it would please Master.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
All Things Are Possible, For Those Who Believe
It has been a day filled with many things, one hopes she can remember everything she did and felt...should be interesting....here goes.
As always I spent a great time with Master, from the time I awoke until He went to bed over four hours ago. It was great to have some time to ourselves, which is very rare, considering where I live is usually filled with people at any given time. With everyone out of the way, Master and I were able to have a deep session, which filled me with more emotions than I ever thought imaginable. It has continued to make me feel loved and secure, but also made me think about my slavery to Master. Until our recent session, I admit I did not truly know in my heart just how much I felt about Master. Yes, I love Him, in fact I am in love with Him. I am realising that the more I learn about Him and His ways, the more I am falling in love wth Him on a daily basis. I never want this feeling I have to ever fade or disappear, but to continue to grow ever onward and upward. It has not been until recently that I have been truly listening to Him, in fact it has only been since He made me realise that for over twenty years, I have been running from myself, my innerself, which is rather stupid when one stops to think about it. Since then, I have been wanting to learn and know more about Master, as well as what lies deep within myself, things I know is there, though not knowing exactly what they are. This frightens me, as I feel I should know everything about myself. Ig I don't know me, how can I expect anyone else to, but this philosophy is thrown out of the window, as I learn about Master and His ways of teaching, as I know He really does know more about me than I know of myself. I have found myself eating my words as I listen to Master with more understanding and eagerness and I really hate eating humble pie....lol.
I know I belong to Master 100% yes I have a rebellious side which slips out more times than I wish, but it is who I am, is it not? I am sure Master may disagree with me there...lol. I know I am Masters slut, in all things, but I also now wish to know if I am or could ever be His confidant, His lady, His companion. I guess only Master can show and/or tell me the answer to these things. I may not know straight away, or when I would wish to know, but I sincerely pray that Master will be able to open up more to me, as I open up more to Him.
I did not know what to do or say earlier, as Master surprised me in a very big way, when He gave me His heart. Wow, such an honour, something which I pray that I can love, honour and obey Him more and more, as I take care of His needs, His wants, His desires, and make His dreams come true.
After Master went to bed, I decided to close the computer and send some time in my own mind, with my own thoughts and feelings, which are now are on this page before me. I washed my hair and took time in having a long, soak in the bath. Whilst in the bath and after I had finished bathing, and doing my bits and pieces, I lay in the warm water, closed my eyes and imagined myself in my secret place, where no one else can go to, not even Master. While there, I realised that I really am changing. Yes there may be an issue or two to still be sorted out, but I know they shall be done so, when the time is right. All I have to do is listen, learn and obey. I then found myself caressing my own body in a way I have never done before in my life. My hands traveled over my breasts in a seductive manner, travelling upon my stomach and down to my pussy, caressing and taking care of every inch of flesh, and I have many inches....lol. I felt different about myself, I would even go to say that for the first time I felt like I was loving myself. Not meaning in a sexual nature par se, but literally loving myself, loving in love with myself, it felt strange but very very good. I felt better about myself and was able to look in the mirror in a different light. For this, I really do thank Master, His teaching and guidance, even when I have no clue why He does some things and He may not say why, whch is frustrating. I am learning, or should I say relearning how love not only another, but also myself. I am not only trusting another, but for the first time in years, I am beginning to trust/believe in myself. Now I know where I belong in this world and more importantly to Whom I belong to, I crave to learn more, I long to succeed in all things both none sexual and sexual. I wish to learn all I am able to and I know with Master, my Master, ALL things are possible, as long as I put my trust in Him.
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me,
Bring me near, draw me to Your side,
As i rise, i'll soar up like an eagle,
And i will soar with You,Your spirit leads me on,
In the power of Your love.
As always I spent a great time with Master, from the time I awoke until He went to bed over four hours ago. It was great to have some time to ourselves, which is very rare, considering where I live is usually filled with people at any given time. With everyone out of the way, Master and I were able to have a deep session, which filled me with more emotions than I ever thought imaginable. It has continued to make me feel loved and secure, but also made me think about my slavery to Master. Until our recent session, I admit I did not truly know in my heart just how much I felt about Master. Yes, I love Him, in fact I am in love with Him. I am realising that the more I learn about Him and His ways, the more I am falling in love wth Him on a daily basis. I never want this feeling I have to ever fade or disappear, but to continue to grow ever onward and upward. It has not been until recently that I have been truly listening to Him, in fact it has only been since He made me realise that for over twenty years, I have been running from myself, my innerself, which is rather stupid when one stops to think about it. Since then, I have been wanting to learn and know more about Master, as well as what lies deep within myself, things I know is there, though not knowing exactly what they are. This frightens me, as I feel I should know everything about myself. Ig I don't know me, how can I expect anyone else to, but this philosophy is thrown out of the window, as I learn about Master and His ways of teaching, as I know He really does know more about me than I know of myself. I have found myself eating my words as I listen to Master with more understanding and eagerness and I really hate eating humble pie....lol.
I know I belong to Master 100% yes I have a rebellious side which slips out more times than I wish, but it is who I am, is it not? I am sure Master may disagree with me there...lol. I know I am Masters slut, in all things, but I also now wish to know if I am or could ever be His confidant, His lady, His companion. I guess only Master can show and/or tell me the answer to these things. I may not know straight away, or when I would wish to know, but I sincerely pray that Master will be able to open up more to me, as I open up more to Him.
I did not know what to do or say earlier, as Master surprised me in a very big way, when He gave me His heart. Wow, such an honour, something which I pray that I can love, honour and obey Him more and more, as I take care of His needs, His wants, His desires, and make His dreams come true.
After Master went to bed, I decided to close the computer and send some time in my own mind, with my own thoughts and feelings, which are now are on this page before me. I washed my hair and took time in having a long, soak in the bath. Whilst in the bath and after I had finished bathing, and doing my bits and pieces, I lay in the warm water, closed my eyes and imagined myself in my secret place, where no one else can go to, not even Master. While there, I realised that I really am changing. Yes there may be an issue or two to still be sorted out, but I know they shall be done so, when the time is right. All I have to do is listen, learn and obey. I then found myself caressing my own body in a way I have never done before in my life. My hands traveled over my breasts in a seductive manner, travelling upon my stomach and down to my pussy, caressing and taking care of every inch of flesh, and I have many inches....lol. I felt different about myself, I would even go to say that for the first time I felt like I was loving myself. Not meaning in a sexual nature par se, but literally loving myself, loving in love with myself, it felt strange but very very good. I felt better about myself and was able to look in the mirror in a different light. For this, I really do thank Master, His teaching and guidance, even when I have no clue why He does some things and He may not say why, whch is frustrating. I am learning, or should I say relearning how love not only another, but also myself. I am not only trusting another, but for the first time in years, I am beginning to trust/believe in myself. Now I know where I belong in this world and more importantly to Whom I belong to, I crave to learn more, I long to succeed in all things both none sexual and sexual. I wish to learn all I am able to and I know with Master, my Master, ALL things are possible, as long as I put my trust in Him.
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me,
Bring me near, draw me to Your side,
As i rise, i'll soar up like an eagle,
And i will soar with You,Your spirit leads me on,
In the power of Your love.
Friday, 14 August 2009
Thursday, 13 August 2009
A Day of Learning
Today has been a day of learning more about myself and my Master.
Although I learn at least one thing on a daily basis, today was different. After many years of running away from something unknown to me, today was the day I realised just what/whom I was running from. Thinking about it now my past actions have been rather silly, as I have found I have been running away from my innerself. Well, duh, one cannot run away from oneself, no matter how she may try or how long she tires it. Whatever is inside her will never go away, only pushed further down, until one day, it rises so high it erupts like lava from a volcano, never to be allowed back in, but to flow over and into the deep valley's below.
The findings were after one decided to make an account on Fetlife and looked through a very long list of many fetishes, realising just how much she either does or is curious about doing. In fact, I shall go as far as saying that I crave many things, to which I knew not before. Though also realising this is something my Master has been trying to show me for a while now. Well, better late than never huh...lol
After my findings, I feel myself craving more and more, not only of the darkness of oneself, but also craving to find the lightness of herself, to which she feels/knows there must be a lot, it is just a matter of finding them, one at a time. I now know, with trust in my Master, I shall learn many many more wonderous things about him and I as time goes by. So when I feel down or depressed, I must look upwards, towards my Master and learn from him, feed from him, drink from him and allow his love and guidance to soak through me.
Although I learn at least one thing on a daily basis, today was different. After many years of running away from something unknown to me, today was the day I realised just what/whom I was running from. Thinking about it now my past actions have been rather silly, as I have found I have been running away from my innerself. Well, duh, one cannot run away from oneself, no matter how she may try or how long she tires it. Whatever is inside her will never go away, only pushed further down, until one day, it rises so high it erupts like lava from a volcano, never to be allowed back in, but to flow over and into the deep valley's below.
The findings were after one decided to make an account on Fetlife and looked through a very long list of many fetishes, realising just how much she either does or is curious about doing. In fact, I shall go as far as saying that I crave many things, to which I knew not before. Though also realising this is something my Master has been trying to show me for a while now. Well, better late than never huh...lol
After my findings, I feel myself craving more and more, not only of the darkness of oneself, but also craving to find the lightness of herself, to which she feels/knows there must be a lot, it is just a matter of finding them, one at a time. I now know, with trust in my Master, I shall learn many many more wonderous things about him and I as time goes by. So when I feel down or depressed, I must look upwards, towards my Master and learn from him, feed from him, drink from him and allow his love and guidance to soak through me.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Another One Bites The Dust??
After having a great day, I was so much looking forward in to Master waking up and spending some quality time with him. Unfortunately that was not to be as it seemed to me he was having a go at me over something, which I do not know what, wanting to begin an arguement? When I asked what had happened, there was silence....i tried to be respectful to him, but still silence...so i tried the bitchy side and still he did not bite, so i guess that s the end of us. Just think, i gave up a lot of things to Master and for what....to be treated like this, just like the others. I opened up to him in ways i have never done before, nor ever will again. I was just coming round to the fact that Master was not like the others....then he goes and does this......hmmmmm
Well thats it....another One bites the dust? Wish i knew why
Just think, I was speaking nothing but praises about Master, to my Dad......so sad....so so sad. I will never love another, as i am just too tired to be broken hearted again, and again and again
Well thats it....another One bites the dust? Wish i knew why
Just think, I was speaking nothing but praises about Master, to my Dad......so sad....so so sad. I will never love another, as i am just too tired to be broken hearted again, and again and again
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Food for Thought
As always it was great to hear Masters voice when i called earlier today. One knows not why but she always seems to understand more when it is not written down and is spoken to her. Feeling the need to hear his voice more, she really hopes and prays that the sound on his computer can be sorted out soon, without much cost, if any.
I know Master loves and cares for me, as there are many times this has been proven, time and time again. Somehow I have to try and put my past behind me, so Master does not get treated as the ones before him.
As one was walking home she heard him say something which kind of touched a nerve in me. When he mentioned that there may be comeone after him, my heart sank a little, wondering why he would say such a thing. I guess he has had many disappointments in his own lifetime, probably more than myself and does not take anything for granted.
Why can I not think like him? How can I stop the thoughts of what society thinks come to my mind. Surely all that matters are Master and myself. Why am I allowing myself to think and worry what others think. Why am I so emersed in the *worldly* goings on?
I know Master loves and cares for me, as there are many times this has been proven, time and time again. Somehow I have to try and put my past behind me, so Master does not get treated as the ones before him.
As one was walking home she heard him say something which kind of touched a nerve in me. When he mentioned that there may be comeone after him, my heart sank a little, wondering why he would say such a thing. I guess he has had many disappointments in his own lifetime, probably more than myself and does not take anything for granted.
Why can I not think like him? How can I stop the thoughts of what society thinks come to my mind. Surely all that matters are Master and myself. Why am I allowing myself to think and worry what others think. Why am I so emersed in the *worldly* goings on?
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Wednesday, 5th August 2009
Really getting frustrated as no matter what one does, she is unable to get out of the depression she feels herself falling into. She has tried everything she can think of and nothing seems to be working, or at least not for long. It is times like these she misses her hubby, as he would have been able to help her come out of it and get her motivated once again. He knew every part of her mind, heart and spirit and knew what was needed to be done or said. If only she could remember everything he did or said, so she would be able to get ack to normal. She should have listened and took in more, while she had a chance. Now she feels she is alone again in this matter,as she does not expect anyone to know what to do to help. She will just have to ride through this and hope and pray she comes out of it sooner rather than later.
While i am feeling this way, it is hard to keep a smile and a cheery composition.It only takes something simple to start me off. I truly wish Master would just step back a little, especially when I am feeling like this. Many times this week I have found myself trying to hold onto my tongue so i would not say something i would regret after calming down. Most of it is to do with sexual stuff. it is not that i do not wish the sexual stuff, that could not be further from the truth, but what i do not think Master knows is how to help someone or be when being round someone with depression. Though even when he has been joking about other things, i have found myself snapping at him as i just cannot deal with some things at this moment.
I am trying not get to the stage of depression, which would result in going onto anti-depression tablets, as they are so addictive and i have enough adictions to cope with, without another one.
While i am feeling this way, it is hard to keep a smile and a cheery composition.It only takes something simple to start me off. I truly wish Master would just step back a little, especially when I am feeling like this. Many times this week I have found myself trying to hold onto my tongue so i would not say something i would regret after calming down. Most of it is to do with sexual stuff. it is not that i do not wish the sexual stuff, that could not be further from the truth, but what i do not think Master knows is how to help someone or be when being round someone with depression. Though even when he has been joking about other things, i have found myself snapping at him as i just cannot deal with some things at this moment.
I am trying not get to the stage of depression, which would result in going onto anti-depression tablets, as they are so addictive and i have enough adictions to cope with, without another one.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Monday, 3rd August 20009
Got frustrated earlier as one tried to burn some short vids upon disc. The programme kept coming up with the same error that there were no disc in the disc drive. If one tried a dozen times it would still be saying the same and she also went through the whole pack of discs, with the same problem. So, in the end one gave up and is hoping her Master would be kind enough send a disc or two to her via good ole reliable snail mail. Will just have to be extra careful until such time she can get things deleted.
The day has been good, with having news of some courses one is interested in taking, she feels she needs to stay focused, though as she battles through depression, she is finding hard, but not impossible.
The day has been good, with having news of some courses one is interested in taking, she feels she needs to stay focused, though as she battles through depression, she is finding hard, but not impossible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)